I Hate Feeling Stuck and Helpless.

I find the whole situation at work very difficult and this is what's starting to make me depressed somewhat. I just can't find it in me to panic freely around my co-workers.

Two weekends ago I had to meet up with my wife at Church. She said that she will be sitting close to where my son sits with his classmates after their First Communion classes. My son and his classmates usually join the Mass about half-way through and sit at the very front. I figured that my wife was going to sit off to the side somewhere where I wouldn't have to deal with a large number of people sitting behind me. You see, sitting in a public setting with many people behind me like in a classroom, seminar or Mass makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I feel that all the people sitting behind me can easily see me panicking and since I can't see what they're doing I feel that they will talk amongst themselves and make fun of my condition.

When I walked into the Church I started looking for my wife off to the side where I felt I wouldn't experience anxiety. I didn't see her there. As I walked closer I noticed someone who looked like my wife. This lady was sitting about 5 pews from the front very close to centre isle. As I walked closer I noticed that this lady was my wife and I instantly began to panic. I was determined to not avoid the situation so I just went and sat next to my wife. I jokingly said to my wife, "I couldn't have picked a better seat myself." She smiled and said don't worry just stay, no matter what how you feel, just stay and you'll get through it. I have to mention that there must have been at least 40-50 people in the pews directly behind me not including the people sitting on the other pews to the sides and the the ones at the very back of the Church.

At the beginning I felt about an 8 on my anxiety scale but I was able to relax to about a 5 just before Mass started. As soon as Mass began I quickly reached a 10. I was able to hold out and after 25 minutes or so I reached a 0. I was completely relaxed but it was extremely difficult to focus on my breathing. I was sweating profusely and I kept thinking that all the people behind me are noticing me sweat and must think I'm strange or crazy. The urge to flee was unbearable at times.

The thing about the story above is that there are situations where I can ride out the panic, even when I have a full blown panic attack and I am willing to keep exposing myself to these situations. I can't do what I did at Church that day at work. I strongly believe that if people do see me panic like that and sweat like that at work they would certainly notice and talk about me saying negative things behind my back. I try to maintain a certain image at work because I would like to be promoted and be considered a good worker but I think that I will lose people's respect if they notice that I'm "crazy." I can't figure out how I would decrease my anxiety at work without exposing myself to those situations and this is what makes me feel stuck. I HATE FEELING STUCK AND HELPLESS.