Stigma.

The stigma associated with mental health has prevented me from properly addressing my issues with panic and anxiety and has played a big role in me falling victim to statements like, "Everyone has problems," or "Get over it," and "It's all in your head." Although some of these statements do have a certain ring of truth to them, they can come across as insensitive and crude. I believe that these statements arise from a lack of education and awareness. I'm sure that many people close to you would like to help but don't know how to get past the awkwardness and shock that occurs when one discloses mental illness.

One of the most hurtful moments that I can recall, that still pains me to this day, is when I lost a very close friend after disclosing past abuse and my concerns over my mental health. This happened when I was first experiencing panic attacks and severe depression about 9 years ago. I recall calling my friend a couple of days after disclosing my situation to get some type of support only to have my calls screened and not returned at all. Eventually I stopped trying to get in contact with my friend and he simply stopped calling me. The intense feeling of abandonment and betrayal that followed truly added to the confusion of what was going on at the time and made me extremely depressed and more anxious. I made efforts to reach out to my parents only to have them give me a guilt trip about my condition.

All this happened when I was in my OAC year (grade 13) in high school, making good grades, and for all my knowledge I had no idea what a panic attack was or where to get help. I missed classes, I became reclusive, I was very angry and irritable and no one at school or at home noticed. I was called lazy, irresponsible, a bad student and uncaring. It would have been nice to have at least one person say, "This is not like you, there's obviously something wrong, how can I help you?" I'm just glad that the person who would eventually say that was me.

Stigma not only affects those who are on the outside looking in, but also the person who is struggling inside the glass house. I write this blog as though hundreds of people read it when I know that right now not that many people are even aware that this site exists. Only my immediate family, therapists and a few friends know about this site. I would love to be more open about my condition because there are many, many people out there who struggle in silence not even being aware of what the problem is let alone where to get help. I struggled in silence for the better part of nine years and it was an absolute nightmare.

I still have a hard time acknowledging that I'm not the only one who suffers from panic and anxiety because I haven't had insight into the personal ordeal of an individual like their thoughts, their feelings, their perspective, nothing. You read about statistics but numbers and graphs don't do what a blog can do in terms of offering true insight into what recovery is all about. I do have plans to gradually make this blog available to more and more people. The staff at Workman Arts, who have always been very supportive, will help me spread the word. I feel that as I work on my issues day by day I will develop more courage and let go of the stigma that I hold on to about my own condition and in the process help eliminate it all together so that people can get the help they need.