Off the meds.

I've decided to go off of the medication. I actually made the decision on Friday and have been off the meds since. I am feeling a lot less agitated and restless and I have a bit more energy than usual. I really hate feeling drowsy and I feel that having to deal with that side effect can affect my mood in a negative way. I'm going to continue doing the other therapy, the mindfulness and the CBT, and see how it goes. I'm scared to death about doing the exposures but we'll see how it goes when the time comes.

I am also noticing that I'm gaining confidence in my ability to ride out a panic attack. I feel that the relaxation techniques are helping me, especially the yoga, and I feel less tense and have a better sense of vitality. I still get anxious thoughts but I'm not preoccupied by them the way that I used to be. I am committed to facing my fears and making a steady recovery.

I am also doing better with mundane tasks like helping my son with his homework. I don't let the perfectionist Fernando come to life - the one that gets me stressed when dealing with even the smallest of tasks. I know that helping my son a month ago with a major project would have triggered intense anxiety but today I was able to get the project going and get it done in a timely manner. This was something that I noticed while it was happening and it felt good to not freak out on my son or on myself for not doing it right. The project came out really nice and my son was so happy about the prospect of getting an A on his assignment. I find that the small victories motivate me more than anything.