Update.

Well I haven't posted anything in a while but that's not to say that I've fallen off the wagon. Things have been going well at work and at home. I am still struggling with some things like time management, this would explain why I haven't posted in a while, and the fear of certain social situations at work, like team meetings and when supervisors have to look over my shoulder to monitor my work. The supervisors monitor my work to get a feel of what clients are experiencing not because I'm incompetent, just thought I let you know.

My mood has dramatically improved and I don't find myself being really depressed like I was 3 months ago. My general anxiety is also low and I feel a lot less tense and walk around with more energy and clarity. The therapy at Clear Path and the work I've been doing at home while I was off work has definitely helped.

I am still experiencing panic attacks in certain social situations. This does bother me a lot but I know that if I keep working on my fear I will overcome it eventually. The most difficult part is exposing myself to the fear but, in reality, the only way to overcome the fear is by confronting it. It's similar to a person who wants to overcome a fear of heights, they must overcome it gradually by climbing a ladder one step at a time until they can climb all the way to the top and endure the fear until it naturally goes away. The more you do this the more you are desensitized to the fear. The problem with social anxiety is that I fear social situations and it is difficult to be human and healthy without being social. A person who is afraid of heights might be able to live a happy and productive life because avoiding heights would not interfere with their quality of life, unless they're a crane operator then they're screwed.

I sometimes think that I should be more accepting of my limitations and embrace them rather than trying so much to change. If I prefer to sit at the back of the room during meetings at work, so what? If I prefer to keep to myself most of the time, so what? Well, the problem with that is if I arrive late to a meeting and I can't sit at the back because those seats are already taken then what? If I haven't developed coping skills to sit somewhere else other than the back of the room I'll have a full blown panic attack in front of my co-workers and this can't be good because, let's face it, people do gossip about things like that at work. The bad thing about keeping to yourself at work is that it compromises your chances of being considered for promotions. I like my job but I don't want to be in my current role for the rest of my life. There is also the threat of outsourcing jobs overseas and my job is one that can be easily shipped off. I have a family to look out for and I can't imagine what I would do if I lost a good paying job. Complacency is not an option at work but complacency can affect my role as a father as well. Currently, because I do find it difficult to socialize, my kids are not enrolled in any extracurricular activities. I would love to have my kids play sports or take music lessons but the fear of interacting with strangers has made this impossible.

I really do need to start practicing being in more social situations so that I can keep making progress at home with my family as well as in my career. Stephanie has sent me a great link that I'll be using to help me better organize my exposure exercises, the site is http://www.paniccentre.net/. I am also thinking about taking medication so that my fear can be managed a bit better but I'm not 100% sure about that yet because I have had bad experiences with doctors (M.D.) and medications in the past. I'll keep you posted on how the exposure exercises go.