Effective Communication.

Yesterday I mentioned how my wife and I are communicating better and I feel that I am being listened to when we have disagreements and vice-versa. I found that speaking to her from the heart really allowed me to get my point across. Being mindful of the fact that we won't be leaving each other and that we have too much to work for helps us find new ways to grow closer. We both recognize that when arguments get really heated we tend to develop attitudes that only make the problem worse. We have made a commitment to be mindful of the following attitudes during our disagreements so that things don't get out of hand.

Ten Attitudes That Prevent You From Listening
By David D. Burns, M.D., from The Feeling Good Handbook.

1. Truth. You believe that you are right and the other person is wrong. you are preoccupied with proving your point instead of expressing your angry feelings more directly or trying to grasp how the other person is thinking and feeling.



2. Blame. You believe that the problem is the other person's fault. You feel overwhelmingly convinced that you're completely innocent and tell yourself that you have every right to blame him or her.



3. Need to be the victim. You feel sorry for yourself and think that other people are treating you unfairly because of their insensitivity and selfishness. Your stubborn unwillingness to do anything assertive to make the situation better gives people the impression that you like the role of a martyr.



4. Self-deception. You cannot imagine that you contribute to a problem because you cannot see the impact of your behaviour on others. For example, you may complain that your wife nags you, but you don't think about the fact that you repeatedly "forget" to follow through on your promise to repair the fence. You may complain that your husband is dogmatic and stubborn and unwilling to listen to your ideas, but you don't notice that you constantly contradict everything he tries to say.



5. Defensiveness. You are so fearful of criticism that you can't stand to hear anything negative or disagreeable. Instead of listening and trying to find some truth in the other person's point of view, you have the urge to argue and defend yourself.



6. Coercion sensitivity. You are afraid of giving in or being bossed around. Other people seem controlling and domineering, and you feel that you must dig in your heels and resist them.



7. Demandingness. You feel entitled to better treatment from others, and you get frustrated when they do not treat you as you expected. Instead of trying to understand what really motivates them, you insist that they are being unreasonable and have no right to feel and act the way they do.



8. Selfishness. You want what you want when you want it, and you throw a tantrum if you don't get it. You are not especially interested in what others may be thinking and feeling.



9. Mistrust. You put up a wall because you believe you will be taken advantage of if you listen and try to grasp what the other person is thinking and feeling.



10. Help addiction. You feel the need to help people when all they want is to be listened to. When friends or family members complain about how bad they feel, you make "helpful" suggestions and tell them what to do. Instead of being appreciative, they get annoyed and continue to complain. You both end up feeling frustrated.

I deal with some pretty irate clients from time to time at work so I'll be using these cognitive tools at work also.