Truly motivated to change.

As you can see I haven't posted anything for about 2 years. I'm reading over some of my posts when I was first going through the mindfulness course and it's funny how I had no clue back then that the one thing I was missing was true motivation from within. Mental illness is a mystery because you don't realize how bad you have it until you hit rock bottom and that bottom varies greatly from person to person. I haven't really struggled with addiction to drugs or alcohol but I believe that with all issues of the mind one needs to crash, head on, to those sharp and jagged rocks at the very bottom of that dark, dark pit in order to see how you are hurting yourself and those who love you. 

Recently my panic attacks, anxiety and depression took me to a place that I never want to go to again. My depression was at its lowest and I strongly considered the option of taking the easiest way out once and for all. Notice how hard it is for me to use the "S" word. I thank God that I was able to get the help I needed that day and I have been expressing my desperation and need for help to anyone who would hear me ever since. The funny thing about it all is that it's happening at a time in my life when, to an outsider, things couldn't be better. I own my home, I have a beautiful wife and two smart, wonderful kids. I also have a job that pays great with great opportunities, benefits and security despite the gloomy economic outlook. My issues are within me and I now know that I can't run away from my problems, I can't live in denial and I have a lot to live for. I choose to live a healthier and more satisfying life despite the struggles and I know things will only get better.

I want to leave this post here and will continue to blog about my experiences on a day to day basis and talk in detail about the type of therapy I'm doing as well as the medication and anything else that comes my way.