I have started to go to Church again after many years of not going. I feel I need spirituality in my life and I also want to learn more about myself and morality in general. I find Church to be a great place to expose myself to situations that have caused great panic and anxiety in the past. My condition has caused me to feel great discomfort in public places like in a classroom, a mall and other places where many people gather, and there isn't a more communal place than Church, so I feel Church is the perfect training ground for me.
After having suffered from panic attacks for 9 years I feel I have been conditioned to fear physical sensations like blushing, heat, sweating, butterflies-in-the-stomach, and a rapid heart beat. These feelings trigger intense fear when I'm in social situations so naturally I feel this at Church. Last week I was difficult, I was sweating profusely, my mind was racing along with my heart, I felt like I was going to pass out and I kept thinking "all these people must think I'm crazy" and "I need to get out of here NOW." I was raised Roman Catholic and was tought to not disrespect the Church as in storming out in the middle of Mass. I was also taught that Church is a place where you connect directly with a loving and caring God and He is here to help. This wisdom is what allows me to fight with all my might all the fear and panic and allows my body to ride out the storm when I'm at Church. The hard part of it all is that it takes a really long time for the physical symptoms to go away, in my case I can have a full-blown panic attack for up to 30 minutes. What does this feel like you ask? Picture a scenario where if you had to rate your fear from 0 to 100 it rates in at 101. Now picture you had to live through that fear for 30 minutes. Now add the scariest part of all, the threat doesn't really exist. The fact that the fear is perceived and not real is what makes the panic attacks so difficult to confront and overcome. I have an intense fear of having a gun pointed to my face and having my life threatened, as do most people; the thing with this scenario is that if your life was really in danger you wouldn't have to endure it passively for 30 minutes you would use the physical stimulation to either fight or run. The thing about panic attacks is that the fear is not rational and depending on the degree of your conditioning it can take 10 minutes to 30 minutes or even more for your mind and body to unite and realize that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.
Mindfulness is helping me to unite my mind with my body so that the two work in better harmony. I am developing a greater awareness of my bodily sensations, good and bad, and this is helping me get to the root of the panic attacks and find that early warning system that I can use to calm myself down early instead of being taking for a wild ride. The cognitive-behavioural therapy is also helping me bring awareness to the irrational thoughts that occur during a panic attack and develop alternative thinking.
Today at mass I did sweat for a bit but I did not have that intense fear that I had last week. I was able to enjoy mass in peace and within 10 minutes the sweating stopped. I am confident that my work at Clear Path and the mindfulness will help greatly with my recovery.
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