Less Stress, Panic & Anxiety

Re-design in Progress

2009-10-08T15:41:00.001-04:00

This blog site is currently undergoing a re-design and I appreciate your patience with this. All the posts are still available so please navigate the label clouds and the past posts in the meantime. Thanks.

Great Gains

2009-09-24T23:11:00.020-04:00

I read over my last blog post and noticed how grim it was. I did notice a spike with my anxiety at the time of that post but things are a lot better now.

Things have improved to the point where situations that used to make me very anxious are not anxiety provoking at all. I haven't had an extreme panic attack in some time now but there are still some situations that I have to expose myself to but I have a lot of confidence and truly believe that I'll continue on the right path.

I find that the Zoloft is really helping and it is by far the best medication that I've taken for panic and anxiety. Of course I truly feel that the medication alone is not the reason for my recovery. The medication has taken the edge off some of the symptoms of panic so that I'm able to face my fears without being so caught up in the panic. This has allowed me to put into practice my CBT skills and stay in more anxiety provoking situations for a longer amount of time.

I truly feel that I'm making gains and with my desire to fight this to the fullest I'm sure I'll make a full recovery.

I'm Noticing a Spike with my Anxiety

2009-08-19T12:38:00.004-04:00

I am having a very difficult time right this second. I am having a pretty extreme panic attack and I haven't felt this way in quite a while so I'm finding it difficult to cope with all this. I am at the point of a panic attack where you feel like you're about to go crazy. My chest is so tense, I feel really hot and sweaty and I'm having extreme shortness of breath.

I am really nervous about attending a convention to welcome the new VP of our department. I am scheduled to attend this event in 30 minutes and I am still at home. This event will take place at a venue outside of work and I won't know how many people will be there or the layout of the room. I might be stuck in the front of the room with co-workers behind me seeing me have a panic attack. This would be a definite 10 on my anxiety scale and I cannot picture myself attending.

I already sent an email to my supervisor advising that I'll be attending and now I think I would have to send him another email with some lame ass excuse explaining why I can't go. This is the part of this damn illness that makes me feel extremely hopeless.

Panic at Work

2009-08-11T17:59:00.005-04:00

I was invited by my friends at work to join them for a game of pool and some drinks last Friday and ever since then I've been feeling really depressed.

It's funny how just by being invited my anxiety shot up to about an 8 on my anxiety scale and I wasn't able to ride it out like a normally do. I was feeling hot and felt like I was blushing and felt sweaty as I was trying to explain my way out of going out with them. After denying the request I felt like such a lonely outsider and began to obsess about the possibility of them thinking I'm "weird" for behaving the way I did. I truly did want to go out with them but I could not shake the thoughts of them seeing me really sweaty and anxious had I gone out with them to the bar. I knew that more people from work were already at the bar and I could not stand the thought of all my co-workers seeing me having a panic attack.

These are the situations that I would love to gradually expose myself to but I have no idea where to begin. I don't have any close friends to go out with aside from my wife and I don't consider going out with my wife as an exposure because she's a "safe" person and the whole point of the exposures is for me to go out on my own and manage the anxiety. I would love to confide in someone at work to help me with the exposures but I have a real issue trusting co-workers, especially since I had my first panic attack around co-workers and they tore me to pieces when they noticed my "weakness." I do feel flattered that they asked me to join them but in general I don't know what to do.

Another thing that has me feeling lousy is the fact that I had to leave early from work due to the side-effects of the Zoloft. I've been feeling really weak, nauseous and just generally ill. I have been doing well at work and my attendance has been improving over the last 2 to 3 months so missing work was a bitter pill to swallow. On the other hand I did push myself to go to work and stay at work for almost 3 hours but I just did not feel well at all.

I'll keep you posted on how all this goes. I'll try and post something on my support group's forum for some help.

Side Effects

2009-08-05T22:34:00.003-04:00

I experienced some pretty uncomfortable side effects from the Zoloft over the past couple of weeks. My psychiatrist recommended I increase the dose from 25 mg to 50 mg per day about 2 weeks ago and since then I have been experiencing increased drowsiness and extreme heartburn.

The drowsiness is something that I can usually fight through but the heartburn was a completely different story. The heartburn got to the point where I couldn't even sleep and one night I woke up at around 4 a.m. almost screaming in pain. I tried taking antacids, like Rolaids, but they were not helping at all. I even tried taking the Zoloft in the morning with a large breakfast but that didn't help either.

I couldn't handle the pain anymore so I went to have a chat with my pharmacist and he recommended that I take Ranitidine which is an acid reducer. He also recommended that I take the Ranitidine until my appointment with the psychiatrist on August 18 and discuss the side effects with her then. I plan on asking my psychiatrist if I can take two 25 mg Zoloft pills about 12 hours apart instead of taking the 50 mg pill all at once. I'm really hoping that this adjustment will make the heartburn go away and help a bit with the drowsiness.

On the positive side, I'm finding that the medication is helping greatly and despite the side effects I am doing better with the help of the Zoloft. I really like the fact that the medication is allowing me to apply everything I've learned at Clear Path with more ease. I am noticing my motivation is starting to come back and I am finding myself going out to the park with my family and being more active in general. I'm currently working on renovating one of the bathrooms in my home and this renewed sense of vitality is making me feel great.

Toastmasters

2009-07-26T21:00:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I attended a presentation by members of Brainwaves Speakers, a Toronto Toastmasters Club, at my social anxiety support group meeting. I was pleased to see the impact this Toastmasters Club had on members of the same social anxiety support group I attend. These two members were very comfortable speaking in front of the group and showed great leadership skills by answering our questions and encouraging us to join Toastmasters and take advantage of this great learning opportunity.

I feel that this opportunity came my way at the best possible time. As you all know I am putting in a great effort to overcome my social anxiety and develop my career. I believe that the public speaking and leadership skills that I can develop at this Toastmasters Club will help me feel more comfortable in social situtations as well as improve my confidence and therefore allow me to take my career to the next level. I look forward to starting as soon as my work schedule can accomodate the Wednesday meetings.

To learn more about Brainwaves Speakers click here. Here is a summary of what this Toastmasters Club is all about:

The mission of the Brainwave Speakers Toastmasters Club is to provide an opportunity for people with mood disorders, their family, their friends and other interested members of the community to learn public speaking, leadership and interpersonal communication skills. It's also an opportunity to get out once a week for an evening of stimulating impromptu and prepared speeches. With a club of 20 plus members, there is no pressure on you to speak - you do it on your own schedule. As a member of Brainwave Speakers Toastmasters Club, you'll improve your one-to-one interactions with others, learn how to communicate effectively and learn how to successfully formulate and express your ideas. You'll be more persuasive and confident talking to a small group or giving a presentation.

I'll keep you posted on my progress as I add Toastmasters to my list of weapons to combat social anxiety.

New Perspective!

2009-07-23T21:43:00.003-04:00

The meeting today went very well. My stomach was in knots leading up to the meeting and I was trying to do everything possible to make sure that I got there early so that I can reserve a "safe" seat that is not in the middle or at the front of the room as to not draw any attention to myself. When I got into the room the meeting had not started yet but at least I was able to find a seat close to the wall with some other people, and close to the food - those wings were delicious. Anyhow, I did feel a certain amount of nervousness and I did feel hot and was sweating a bit but I would say that my anxiety went no higher than a 7 on my anxiety scale.

The thing that I found very interesting today was how my supervisor behaved during our team meeting. This team meeting was the first we had with the new supervisor and I found it surprising that he admitted that he was not good at speaking in front of others and the whole time he kept to himself close to the back of the room. This is in stark contrast to our previous supervisor who loved to talk and was always very outgoing. I noticed that my supervisor got visibly nervous when he was put in the spot light and this experience completely altered the way I looked at my career.

I tend to have this image of what a "professional" is and this "professional" is not socially anxious in the least. However, my supervisor who has worked in many different departments and has achieved quite a lot for himself seemed, in all frankness, extremely shy. Witnessing my supervisor in this state allowed me to gain a better understanding of how hard work and dedication play a big role in your success and not so much how "social" you are. People manage the best way they can and I believe they do so by focusing on their strengths and pushing through their challenges and never giving up.

Today I learned that I should continue to work through my challenges and not be afraid of showing off my skills. I have being doing this since returning from my medical leave but I am now willing to take things to the next level. The fact that I received an award at my team meeting for best quality for the month of June did a lot to re-enforce my new found confidence. I am willing to continue to work on improving my ability to participate in team meetings by attending the Brainwaves chapter of Toastmasters and I will be getting more information this Saturday from my support group about Brainwaves. Maybe for my next team meeting I'll be able to sit up a little bit closer to the front of the room, we'll see how it goes.

Exposure - Team Meeting

2009-07-22T22:04:00.004-04:00

Today was a pretty odd day. My anxiety level was high throughout the day and I don't really know why. I was feeling very sluggish and somewhat depressed and I felt as though my anxiety could have escalated to a panic attack at any time but, on the bright side, I did not panic. I believe this change in mood might be related to the dosage increase of the Zoloft. There is always a noticeable change when you first start taking medication and when you increase the dose because your body needs time to adjust. I'm willing to tough it out and try to get more rest and we'll see how it goes over the next 2 weeks.

Tomorrow I'll have a good opportunity to practice dealing with my anxiety because I'll be attending a team meeting at work. The last time I attended a team meeting I was sweating buckets and could not wait for the thing to end. I would rate my anxiety during the last meeting at about a 9 at its worst. I find these meetings difficult because I can't escape the thought that if co-workers see me very anxious they'll use it against me or talk about me behind my back. I believe it's the competitive nature of work that makes me feel this way because it's different when I'm with family. I feel that my family members are more understanding and won't use my struggles against me.

It's one thing to talk about what I think could go wrong, it's another thing to experience it at the moment. The fact of the matter is that I'm not a fortune teller and I don't know for sure what will happen but I can only prepare for the worst. I plan on getting a lot of rest today, maintain a certain level of clarity tomorrow during the day by either meditating or doing some yoga, and remembering that I have already experienced the worst of my anxiety and I already know that my anxiety will NEVER go past a 10. I'll prepare for a 10 and I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

The Medication is Really Helping

2009-07-17T22:58:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted for a while but I have to say that I am doing very well lately. I have been taking Zoloft for over a month now and I am really starting to notice the benefits of the medication. I am currently taking 50 mg of Zoloft and I've been taking the 50 mg for about 2 weeks now. The medication is not completely masking the panic and anxiety symptoms but rather taking enough of the edge off so that I can expose myself to anxiety provoking situations with greater ease and ride out periods of high anxiety.

I did mention in my last post that I was experiencing some side effects but for the most part the side effects have disappeared. The only side effect that I am currently experiencing is a bit of drowsiness but it is manageable. I have taken medications in the past that have made me feel as though I drank 5 cups of coffee, decreased my libido, made me sweat buckets, or completely sedated me but this medication is by far the best I've taken for panic and anxiety.

I find myself being more social at work and my motivation is coming back. I am working out on a regular basis and I am dropping some excess pounds. I am even getting excited about advancing my career. I am also getting the urge to express myself creatively again and I can almost hear my pencils, brushes and paints screaming out my name.

I also wanted to talk about another factor in my recovery and that is the A&E show Obsessed. I like the show because it deals with OCD which is a very common anxiety disorder. I can understand why some people might watch the show and say, "It's just a dirty dish get over it" or, "How can someone live with all that trash in their home," but if people only knew the tremendous amount of courage and effort that is required to conquer an illness like OCD they will most certainly look at these people in a different way. I personally think that these people are absolute heroes and perhaps the bravest people on the planet, not only because of the work required to conquer OCD, but also because the are able to go on national television and share their story. I like to think that maybe someone will read this blog and be inspired but it is difficult to get inspired when you can't link the actual person to the story. There aren't a lot of people that I see on a regular basis that are even aware that I struggle with panic and anxiety and that's because I fear the stigma that surrounds mental illness. I like to think that what I do is courageous to a certain degree but for an example of true bravery and courage I'll tune-in to the true heroes of Obsessed.

Started Taking Medication

2009-06-09T09:50:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted so I wanted to let you know about my progress. Overall I would say that I have been doing well. My anxiety symptoms are not quite as strong as they used to be and I would say that when I do get very anxious I don't go past an 8 on my anxiety scale. I am feeling a bit more comfortable in social situations but it still has been a struggle.

I did fall off the wagon a couple of times over the past 2 weeks. I wound up calling in sick 4 days over the past 2 weeks and I would say that perhaps 2 of those days I could have pushed myself a little harder and not been so susceptible to avoidance. There were some seating arrangements at work that brought new people to the area where I sit and the social interaction was a bit too much at times, interacting with these new individuals caused my anxiety to peak at about an 8 which is still pretty uncomfortable. The good thing is that I was able to ride out the anxiety and I stayed in the situation and tried very hard to control my distorted thoughts and the anxiety did start to go away.

At the beginning of June I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist at the Humber River Regional Hospital at Keele and she was great. I haven't seen a psychiatrist in quite a while just family physicians who said they "specialized" in treating mood disorders only to realize that they had no idea what they were doing. It was nice to sit down and talk with a doctor who really listened to me and who was able to address some other medical issues that have been on my mind. She recommended that I take Zoloft to help me with the anxiety and to make it easier for me to apply the techniques I learned with Stephanie at Clear Path.

I have been on 25 mg of Zoloft for about a week now. Some of the side effects that I've noticed where nausea, drowsiness and increased sweating but they have been gradually tapering off. Zoloft has been by far the best medication that I've taken for panic and anxiety. I feel that it specifically targets anxiety and not depression and I feel that when I am in social situations the physical symptoms aren't as bad as the thoughts, which is great because I always found my thoughts easier to control than the physical sensations of panic. This allows me to ride out an anxious episode in less time and helps me gain confidence.

The one thing that really upsets me is that sometimes I don't feel like I have a good support system at home to give me that push to step out of my comfort zone when I'm really struggling. I know that the effort will always have to come from within me but it is nice to have someone there to help you along the way. I really found that the therapy with Stephanie was helping but I can't afford it right now. My wife's work hours have been cut back and my benefits only cover 20% of the cost of therapy and I would need to wait until next year to increase the coverage.

I find it astonishing that OHIP doesn't cover the cost of CBT offered by psychologists. I would prefer to go to people who know what they're doing rather than having to deal with family physicians who, for the most part, have no idea how to deal with patients with mood disorders. I know that the health system is pretty strained but think about the money that would be saved if people were given a proper diagnosis early and started therapy with someone who knows what they're doing. I really wish I had the ability to carry out proper research on this because I know from personal experience that the system that is currently in place is inefficient in so many ways.

Tonight, Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins

2009-05-04T11:24:00.002-04:00

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

Update.

2009-04-25T10:58:00.004-04:00

Well I haven't posted anything in a while but that's not to say that I've fallen off the wagon. Things have been going well at work and at home. I am still struggling with some things like time management, this would explain why I haven't posted in a while, and the fear of certain social situations at work, like team meetings and when supervisors have to look over my shoulder to monitor my work. The supervisors monitor my work to get a feel of what clients are experiencing not because I'm incompetent, just thought I let you know.

My mood has dramatically improved and I don't find myself being really depressed like I was 3 months ago. My general anxiety is also low and I feel a lot less tense and walk around with more energy and clarity. The therapy at Clear Path and the work I've been doing at home while I was off work has definitely helped.

I am still experiencing panic attacks in certain social situations. This does bother me a lot but I know that if I keep working on my fear I will overcome it eventually. The most difficult part is exposing myself to the fear but, in reality, the only way to overcome the fear is by confronting it. It's similar to a person who wants to overcome a fear of heights, they must overcome it gradually by climbing a ladder one step at a time until they can climb all the way to the top and endure the fear until it naturally goes away. The more you do this the more you are desensitized to the fear. The problem with social anxiety is that I fear social situations and it is difficult to be human and healthy without being social. A person who is afraid of heights might be able to live a happy and productive life because avoiding heights would not interfere with their quality of life, unless they're a crane operator then they're screwed.

I sometimes think that I should be more accepting of my limitations and embrace them rather than trying so much to change. If I prefer to sit at the back of the room during meetings at work, so what? If I prefer to keep to myself most of the time, so what? Well, the problem with that is if I arrive late to a meeting and I can't sit at the back because those seats are already taken then what? If I haven't developed coping skills to sit somewhere else other than the back of the room I'll have a full blown panic attack in front of my co-workers and this can't be good because, let's face it, people do gossip about things like that at work. The bad thing about keeping to yourself at work is that it compromises your chances of being considered for promotions. I like my job but I don't want to be in my current role for the rest of my life. There is also the threat of outsourcing jobs overseas and my job is one that can be easily shipped off. I have a family to look out for and I can't imagine what I would do if I lost a good paying job. Complacency is not an option at work but complacency can affect my role as a father as well. Currently, because I do find it difficult to socialize, my kids are not enrolled in any extracurricular activities. I would love to have my kids play sports or take music lessons but the fear of interacting with strangers has made this impossible.

I really do need to start practicing being in more social situations so that I can keep making progress at home with my family as well as in my career. Stephanie has sent me a great link that I'll be using to help me better organize my exposure exercises, the site is http://www.paniccentre.net/. I am also thinking about taking medication so that my fear can be managed a bit better but I'm not 100% sure about that yet because I have had bad experiences with doctors (M.D.) and medications in the past. I'll keep you posted on how the exposure exercises go.

Things are Alright.

2009-04-07T09:51:00.004-04:00

Things have been going pretty good. I still experience high levels of anxiety from time to time but I like the fact that I don't obsess over these thoughts for days and days like I used to. I am still finding it difficult not to avoid situations at work.

Yesterday I had a meeting. I was sitting at a table in a room that wasn't all that big. I was feeling about a 6 on my anxiety scale at the beginning but felt worse as more people walked into the room. In the end there were about 15 people crammed into a small room to the point where some of us had to stand against the wall because there was no room to sit. Having all those people around me made me feel extremely uncomfortable and hot and I couldn't handle it so I made some excuse about going to drop something off at my desk. When I returned to the room I stood at the back where I felt more comfortable. At my worst I felt an 8 on my anxiety scale. I plan on developing an exposure schedule where I can practice being in these situations outside of work more often so that when I encounter these situations at work they won't feel so bad. I will discuss this during my next session with Stephanie at Clear Path Solutions.

I attended the meetup group this weekend after missing a couple of sessions and it was very informative. There were 3 naturopathic practitioners giving a presentation on things like natural remedies, diet, acupuncture and hypnosis. There were some things that were brought up that I found particularly interesting and I will give some of these therapies a try. The naturopathic doctor recommended certain vitamins, like vitamins B6 and B12, and natural remedies, like Rescue Spray, to help with anxiety symptoms.

I am really enjoying having the weekends off. I find it very relaxing to spend time with my family. On Saturday my family and I went out shopping and on Sunday my wife and I took the kids to park and had some pizza. My youngest boy loved it so much that when it was time to leave we had to drag him into the car to go back home and this was after spending close to 2 hours at the park. I got a lot of things done on Sunday like cleaning up the yard and putting together a storage bench.

Things are going pretty well but I feel that I still need to work on reducing the high social anxiety I experience and this can only be done by finding the time and different ways to practice social exposure more often. We'll see how it goes.

Work Is Beginning To Be Just Work.

2009-04-02T10:06:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was not a bad day at work. I think that the stress of returning to work is going away now that I'm back into the swing of things. I passed my return-to-work tests and I'm receiving high quality scores again at work and this is reminding me of how things were before I left work.

Yesterday, there were times when I reached about a 7 on my anxiety scale but I was better able to focus on my work and my breathing than I was other times. This gave me a confidence boost and I feel that if I just keep this up I will feel more relaxed at work as time goes on.

I am slowly incorporating the coping strategies that helped me outside of work over the past two months into my daily work routine and it has been helping. I always arrive to work at least 30 minutes early and I sit in my car at the parking lot and just focus on my breathing until I feel fully relaxed. This usually lasts about 10 to 15 minutes. I then visualize myself walking into work and facing some of the situations that normally cause a lot of anxiety and then develop a game plan to cope with them should they arise. I then get out of my car and walk towards the office focusing on my breathing and just walking for the entire time. Once I'm at work I turn on my fan to keep me feeling cool and I focus on my breathing again for a bit.

Throughout the course of the day I try not to avoid the situations that cause anxiety and I cope with those situations by telling myself that even though I feel very anxious other people probably aren't even aware that I'm feeling that way. I also try to avoid anxious behaviours like looking around constantly, fidgeting and trying to crack jokes all the time. A good joke here and there is good way to crack the ice and be social with people.

Like with anything practice makes perfect and as long as I focus on practicing the coping skills in and out of work I'll continue to move forward and in time, hopefully, this won't be an issue anymore.

Not Bad.

2009-03-30T23:06:00.004-04:00

Today I had my seating arrangement changed at work. My supervisor was pretty cool about it and expressed a desire to help me be comfortable so that I can focus on my work. I thought he handled it well. I didn't quite get my old seat back but I got a seat that is pretty close to where I used to sit. It is somewhat off to the side in an area that is not too busy but there are times where I feel anxious in there but I find it a bit more manageable. I believe the discomfort is enough where I can practice dealing with my panic and anxiety at work.

Today I returned to my regular duties and it was a bit difficult at first just trying to remember how things went but in time I got back into my role and I feel I did pretty well. I think I'll be able to manage a lot better in my new seat and focus on working hard again. There are many people around me being promoted or getting new duties so it would be nice to work hard and have a change of duties and learn something new in the process.

I Hate Feeling Stuck and Helpless.

2009-03-30T11:20:00.003-04:00

I find the whole situation at work very difficult and this is what's starting to make me depressed somewhat. I just can't find it in me to panic freely around my co-workers.

Two weekends ago I had to meet up with my wife at Church. She said that she will be sitting close to where my son sits with his classmates after their First Communion classes. My son and his classmates usually join the Mass about half-way through and sit at the very front. I figured that my wife was going to sit off to the side somewhere where I wouldn't have to deal with a large number of people sitting behind me. You see, sitting in a public setting with many people behind me like in a classroom, seminar or Mass makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I feel that all the people sitting behind me can easily see me panicking and since I can't see what they're doing I feel that they will talk amongst themselves and make fun of my condition.

When I walked into the Church I started looking for my wife off to the side where I felt I wouldn't experience anxiety. I didn't see her there. As I walked closer I noticed someone who looked like my wife. This lady was sitting about 5 pews from the front very close to centre isle. As I walked closer I noticed that this lady was my wife and I instantly began to panic. I was determined to not avoid the situation so I just went and sat next to my wife. I jokingly said to my wife, "I couldn't have picked a better seat myself." She smiled and said don't worry just stay, no matter what how you feel, just stay and you'll get through it. I have to mention that there must have been at least 40-50 people in the pews directly behind me not including the people sitting on the other pews to the sides and the the ones at the very back of the Church.

At the beginning I felt about an 8 on my anxiety scale but I was able to relax to about a 5 just before Mass started. As soon as Mass began I quickly reached a 10. I was able to hold out and after 25 minutes or so I reached a 0. I was completely relaxed but it was extremely difficult to focus on my breathing. I was sweating profusely and I kept thinking that all the people behind me are noticing me sweat and must think I'm strange or crazy. The urge to flee was unbearable at times.

The thing about the story above is that there are situations where I can ride out the panic, even when I have a full blown panic attack and I am willing to keep exposing myself to these situations. I can't do what I did at Church that day at work. I strongly believe that if people do see me panic like that and sweat like that at work they would certainly notice and talk about me saying negative things behind my back. I try to maintain a certain image at work because I would like to be promoted and be considered a good worker but I think that I will lose people's respect if they notice that I'm "crazy." I can't figure out how I would decrease my anxiety at work without exposing myself to those situations and this is what makes me feel stuck. I HATE FEELING STUCK AND HELPLESS.

I Feel it Piling On.

2009-03-28T19:50:00.004-04:00

Today was not that great of a day. I couldn't really sleep because my son kept waking up at night and I had to go over to his room to check up on him. He's no longer sleeping in a crib but in a "big boy bed" and I'm afraid he might roll off the bed in the middle of the night.

Anyhow, today I was sorting out my finances for the past couple of months and for next month and this process took some time. The amount of work was stressing me out for some reason and I was finding it hard to concentrate. It feels as though I am entering a depressed state, I'm feeling low on energy and my thoughts are pretty negative.

I am having a hard time with the situation at work because I really don't feel comfortable with the seating arrangement. I have talked to my supervisor about this but he has not said anything about me moving anytime soon or if I will even have my old seat back, even though no one is sitting on it. I feel like I have to be constantly on my supervisor about this and it makes me feel as though I am bitching too much about the situation. I really don't like the effect on my ego when I have to constantly discuss accommodations with my employer. I believe that if I let go of my ego a bit it might not be so bad but at this point I'm not really sure how to handle things at work. I will go and express my concerns with my supervisor again on Monday and I will keep addressing this issue until it gets resolved. I want work to be a place where I make money and focus on my duties and not a place where I constantly panic to the point where it stresses me out and I feel horrible even when I'm at home. We'll see how all that goes on Monday.

Update on Things.

2009-03-25T22:56:00.003-04:00

My life is mainly work these days. I work 2pm to 10pm so I don't have much time to spend with my family during the week but it's nice having the weekends off and I look forward to spending time with them then. I haven't been able to do much mindfulness since Tuesday because the fire alarms in all the units in my building are being tested and the noise is very annoying, especially when you're trying to find peace and relax. I believe today was the last day for testing so I should be able to get back into the swing of things going forward. I do, however, make sure to arrive at work at least 30 minutes early so that I may sit in my car for a good 10 to 15 minutes and just focus on my breathing and clear my mind. I have done this since returning to work on Monday and I find it does help me relax. I also park quite a distance away from the office so this gives me even more time to focus on my breathing and on the moment as I walk to work.

I am finding it difficult at work because of the seating arrangement. Like I mentioned before I am sitting in a pretty open area and this makes me very anxious because I feel like people can easily focus their attention on me and notice when I'm having a panic attack. I sit around people that have triggered anxiety in the past and I also don't like the conversations that people have around me because some of the topics make me feel really uncomfortable. I have a really hard time just letting the panic and anxiety run its course because I don't want people at work to see me sweating and acting nervous. Work can produce a pretty competitive environment and I don't want people to see me in a negative light because this might affect my ability to get ahead in the company. I'm also very afraid of being teased about my condition. I worry a lot that I won't be able to get over the anxiety I experience at work because I can't just let the panic come and run its course. I will talk to Stephanie about this but I'm very concerned at this point and I can feel the stress build up as the days go by. I'm pretty sure I'll find a way to address this issue and when I do I'll let you know.

RTW - Return to Work Pt.2

2009-03-23T21:16:00.003-04:00

Well the work day is done and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I've learned over the past two months that it usually turns out that way. It was a pretty short day today but at least I am now caught up on around 300 emails, with many meetings left to go before I can return to my regular duties.

Like I mentioned earlier I was a nervous wreck on my way to work, so nervous that I honestly thought I was going to puke in my car. My hands were sweaty my heart was racing and I found it difficult to focus on my breathing. My goal was to ride out the storm and arrive to work early enough so that I could park my car and get myself together at the parking lot. As I was driving on the highway I got to a point where I could see the office tower and I actually felt happy all of the sudden. I remembered all of the hard work that I put in during the two months I was off work and the progress I've made. I also remembered the good things from work that I was missing like my friends and the feeling of getting things accomplished.

Shortly after spotting the office tower I exited the highway and found myself parking my car at the company parking lot. I was finally there. I began to get nervous again at this point but at least I didn't have to focus on the road. I focused instead on my breathing while sitting in my car and continued doing this for over 10 minutes. Once I felt relaxed I exited my car and headed for work. I was trying very hard to stay in the moment and focus on just walking and before I knew it I was in the office greeting all my co-workers and it was pretty clear that they were happy to see me at work again. For the most part people didn't ask personal questions and I was able to tell them I was off work for a medical reason that was stress related.

The funny thing is that I was given a seat in an area that I absolutely hate and I remember telling myself as I was going to work, "I really hope they don't make me sit in that area." The area that I'm talking about is very open and there's very little privacy. It is a high traffic area and there are people that sit around there that have caused me great anxiety in the past. In my last session with Stephanie at Clear Path Solutions we talked about finding some way to incorporate exposure exercises into my work routine; it looks like my employer has fixed that dilemma without even knowing it. It appears like the next week to 2 weeks will be one giant exposure exercise. Even though it makes me nervous to think about being in that situation for the next 2 weeks I know that I will manage and I will benefit in the long run.

RTW - Return to Work Pt.1

2009-03-23T11:56:00.003-04:00

Well I have to say that I am extremely nervous right now. I received approval from my supervisor to start work at 2:00 pm today. It's about noon right now. I feel so nervous that I am nauseous and I could feel my heart racing. I don't know what my co-workers will be asking regarding my absence and I don't know what to tell them. I don't know where I'll be sitting because my seat was given to someone else. It all seems really overwhelming right now.

On the other hand I think that these nervous feelings are normal. I've made a lot of progress over the past two months and I have to return to work sooner or later. I plan on having lunch, doing some breathing exercises and arriving at work early so that I can gather my thoughts and relax.

The Big Day

2009-03-20T18:38:00.003-04:00

Well, I'll be returning to work on Monday. I've been off work for 2 months now and I feel like it's time to return to work. I've been really nervous thinking about returning to work and in a way jumping to conclusions by excessively thinking that I'll return to my old ways. There's really no way of telling what will happen until I return but, although I am nervous about the whole thing, I think it is all for the better.

Things at home haven't been all that great and I sometimes fear that the stress from constant conflict with my wife will interfere with my recovery. I also had a conversation with my boss today and he reminded me how difficult he can be when it comes to answering questions in a timely manner and just doing what he's supposed to do. I am slowly realizing that I cannot change other people but I can control how I relate to them. I can carefully pick my battles, like in the case of my boss, or I can be more assertive about expressing my needs and presenting ultimatums in the hope of getting people to think more carefully about what they do, like in the case of my wife.

I have over the past 2 months developed a clearer picture of where I want to go in life and I know that as long as I have my priorities straight and my overall health in mind I'll get there no matter what barriers try to interfere. Make sure to check out the blog to see how my first week at work went.

Bible Passage - The Fiery Ordeal.

2009-03-10T15:02:00.004-04:00

I came across this passage in the Bible today that really spoke to me. This passage offers a new perspective on my condition and strengthens my faith as a Catholic. The passage is as follows:

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal which comes upon you to prove you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice in so far as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. -- 1 Peter 4: 12-13

I have mentioned in the past that the physical sensations that I struggle with the most during a panic attack are: feeling hot, feeling like I'm blushing and sweating profusely. The best way to describe a panic attack as I experience it is like a fiery ordeal. A panic attack comes on pretty rapidly for the most part and this can be quite surprising. Also, when I have a full blown panic attack I feel as though something very strange is happening to me because everything seems unreal, almost as if though I were in a dream. It's almost as though Peter is speaking directly to those suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

This ordeal has allowed me to truly find myself and realize what I have, what I can offer and what I'm capable of doing. It feels as though I have been proven as a human being capable of loving God, myself and others and being worthy of receiving love in return. My confidence keeps increasing day by day and I have great faith that I'll make a full recovery.

The passage also suggests that those who suffer, even those who suffer from mental illness, are sharing in Christ's suffering and one day we will rejoice when his glory is revealed. I feel that that the glory is being revealed to me bit by bit. I find it glorious being able to enjoy ice cream with my kids at the mall without having any anxiety at all. I find it glorious being closer to my wife. I also find it glorious having more energy and courage to do the things I have to do for myself and my family. It is also glorious being able to develop inner peace and be fully present in every moment whether good or bad.

I am very happy to be getting reacquainted with my Catholic faith and I'm very thankful that God is providing me with guidance and strength during this fiery ordeal.

The Good and The Bad.

2009-03-09T21:01:00.006-04:00

I've been very busy recently doing more things than usual, like going out with my family and just doing more things around the house. I'm finding myself having more energy because my mind is not clouded with anxiety and fear. Today I got my taxes done and ran some errands without having to procrastinate too much and that felt good.

I've been so busy that I've stopped doing the regular mindfulness exercises, like yoga and meditation, and that does concern me. I'll be getting back into the swing of things tomorrow after my appointment at Clear Path Solutions and I'll be a little more disciplined in sticking to the stress reduction exercises.

Despite the small issue with the mindfulness practice I feel that I am making progress and when I look at the big picture I feel I'm really getting ahead.

A Great Day!

2009-03-07T21:40:00.003-05:00

Today I had a pretty good day. I agreed to go with my wife and kids to the mall to purchase my kids some pants. This situation would have caused a lot of panic or anxiety in the past to the point where I would reach an 8-9 on my anxiety scale. I believe I get really anxious because I think people see me as a bad father, weak, or a freak because of my anxiety and panic. I constantly believe that people will be asking amongst themselves, "How can that guy be the father of those kids? He's so strange." I was able to overcome this situation by not over exaggerating my anxiety -- at my most anxious state I was at about a 7 on my anxiety scale -- and by telling myself, "The anxiety will pass as long as I acknowledge the fact that I'm hot and sweating a little." Refraining from subtle avoidance also helped and after 15 minutes I had no anxiety and I was able to really enjoy being out with my family, even having ice cream with the kids, sitting in a highly visible location in the mall.

Over the past 3 days I've managed to reduce my anxiety by telling myself to calm down because people are probably not even aware of the fact that I'm feeling anxious or nervous. Other people have told me that they don't notice me being anxious at all despite me believing that I'm very visibly anxious. The belief of appearing a lot calmer than I feel was reinforced today at my support group meeting. During our meeting, as I looked around the room, I noticed that everyone appeared to be calm and attentive despite us all suffering from debilitating social fear and anxiety. I reasoned that if others don't appear visibly anxious that I don't either.

The best part of the support group meeting was going out for a drink afterwards and being able to carry a conversation with other members of the group, whom I didn't know too well, in an environment that would have caused great panic 3 months ago. There was even a time when we ran out of things to say and there was silence, but rather than feeling awkward, I felt a great sense of peace and serenity due to the fact that I was finally making some progress.

Telling myself that my anxiety is not that noticeable is a mantra that I'm sure will continue to help me in my recovery. I hope it can help you too.

Anxiety Scale

2009-03-06T19:52:00.008-05:00

I believe it is important to have a clearly defined anxiety scale to help determine the current level of anxiety without over-exaggerating my anxiety. This will prevent me from thinking that I've reached the absolute worse level on the scale when in reality I might only be at a 5 as opposed to a 9. The majority of the time, my anxiety reaches about a level 7 and very rarely do I reach a level 10. I believe that being aware of what's coming next will help me mentally prepare for it and therefore be more accepting of the thoughts and symptoms once they start. This is my scale (out of 10):

10. Extreme Panic Attack (can relax in 40+ minutes):
Physical
- Extreme sweating
- Feeling of blushing
- Hot flashes
- Feeling smothered
- Butterflies in stomach
- Abdominal tension
- Heart racing
- Muscle tension
- Shallow breathing
Mental/Behavioural
- Sense of detachment or unreality
- Feeling like I might pass out
- Thinking everyone is noticing me freak out
- Thinking people are capable of reading my thoughts
- Extreme desire to leave the situation

8-9. Panic (can relax in 25-40 minutes):
Physical
- Sweating
- Feeling of blushing
- Hot flashes
- Shallow Breathing
- Abdominal tension
- Muscle tension
- Butterflies in stomach
Mental/Behavioural
- Thinking everyone is noticing me being nervous
- Thinking people are capable of reading my thoughts
- Thinking people are interpreting my anxiety in a very negative way
- Believing people think I'm weird, weak, strange
- Believing people are going to spread the word to others that I'm "strange"
- Desire to avoid the situation

7. Transition from Fear to Panic (can relax in 15-25 minutes):
Physical
- Starting to sweat
- Feeling of blushing
- Hot flashes
- Abdominal tension
- Muscle tension
- Butterflies in stomach
Mental/Behavioural
- Sensations around my face predominate my awareness
- Very aware of physical sensations
- Thinking my anxiety is noticeable
- Thinking people are interpreting my anxiety in a very negative way
- Believing people think I'm weird, weak, strange
- Desire to avoid the situation

5-6. Fearful (can relax in 10-15 minutes):
Physical
- Hot flashes
- Feeling of blushing
- Abdominal tension
- Muscle tension
- Butterflies in stomach
Mental/Behavioural
- Physical sensations predominate awareness
- Checking to see if anyone is noticing me getting anxious
- Negative self talk
- Subtle avoidance of the situation

4. Marked Anxiety (can relax in 5-10 minutes):
Physical
- Hot flashes
- Abdominal tension
- Muscle tension
- Butterflies in stomach
Mental/Behavioural
- Checking to see if anyone is noticing me getting anxious
- Negative self talk
- Subtle avoidance of the situation
- Aware of physical sensations

3. Mild Anxiety (can relax in 1-5 minutes):
Physical
- Butterflies in stomach
- Some abdominal tension
- Difficult to get a deep breath of air
- Feeling warm
Mental/Behavioural
- Mind racing in general
- Negative self talk begins
- Aware of physical sensations

2. Slight Anxiety (can relax in 1-5 minutes):
Physical
- Butterflies in stomach
- Some abdominal tension
- Changes in breathing, slightly more difficult to get a deep breath of air
Mental/Behavioural
- Mind racing to rationalize the discomfort
- Starting to be aware of my physical sensations

1. Nervous (can relax in 1-5 minutes):
Physical
- Butterflies in stomach
- Some abdominal tension
Mental/Behavioural
- Mind no longer calm
- Comparing current experience to previous experiences

0. Relaxed:
Physical
- No muscle tension
- Breathing is normal
- Heart rate is normal
Mental/Behavioural
- Mind is clear
- Optimistic

What Am I Really Afraid Of?

2009-03-05T20:00:00.004-05:00

I had my session at Clear Path Solutions today and the session went very well. Stephanie and I started the exposure exercises today, something that I have been looking forward to.

During our session today I learned that it would be helpful to stop magnifying my physical sensations because as noted by Stephanie, and others in the past, I don't appear to be visibly anxious despite feeling like I'm blushing or sweating or anything like that. I now believe it would be helpful to tell myself, while I'm getting anxious, to relax because people are probably not even aware of my anxiety. Even if someone did notice something, like me sweating for example, they could interpret it many different ways and not just that I'm weird or an anxious wreck.

I gained a lot of confidence after today's session because I had an opportunity to practice something that causes a lot of anxiety in a controlled environment and I managed to learn something new about my condition that could help me in the future. This confidence even allowed me to practice the same exposure exercise on my own on the subway. I did feel anxious but I kept telling myself, "Relax, what you think people are thinking about you is completely exaggerated and is not helping you get better." This allowed my anxiety to decrease and I was pretty much anxiety free for the rest of the day. I will continue to step out of my comfort zone a bit more as the week goes by and I will keep this new found wisdom in mind when I'm feeling anxious.

Stephanie and I also discussed how certain core beliefs can contribute to mood disorders and anxiety and we will work on disproving the unhealthy core beliefs with evidence of what's really happening now. I will be reading the chapters on assumptions and core beliefs from Mind Over Mood and I will also read up a bit more on exposure from The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook. I will be posting more on core beliefs and an anxiety rating scale over the next couple days. I'm feeling really good about all this.

I'm Noticing Something Here.

2009-03-04T18:43:00.004-05:00

Today was a good day. I'm noticing that I have a lot more courage inside me and this is allowing me to go into situations that make me feel uncomfortable no matter what is on my mind or going on physically.

Today I had to step out of the house to run some errands and I was feeling very anxious prior to stepping out of the house. I couldn't really understand why I was anxious at home. I was feeling very hot inside my home to the point of sweating a bit and my mind was also racing. I believe my mind was racing because I did have a lot of errands to run and I was procrastinating, I was able to control this state of mind by focusing on my breathing and releasing tension. I also came to the conclusion that I was probably hot because the heat was on and it wasn't that cold outside and, on top of that, I was wearing a sweater. I was able to adjust my thinking by being aware of the 10 cognitive distortions and by following some of these steps to untwist my thinking.

I was still feeling pretty anxious as I was running my errands and I felt it the worse when I had to go to Staples to buy some batteries. As I walked into the store I was feeling really hot and I was sweating a lot. As I was looking around to see if someone was noticing I stopped myself and said, "You know these problems are not going to go away if you let your thoughts, physical sensations, or behaviour feed the anxiety. You're making progress and these uncomfortable thoughts and sensations are not going to kill you. It will pass like it has in the past." I immediately stopped looking around to see if anyone was noticing and again focused on what I was there to buy. I was still pretty sweaty but once I stopped the anxious behaviour, the anxious thoughts soon followed. As the anxiety went down I wasn't too concerned if people saw me sweating besides, it happens, people sweat.

My anxiety at this point was about a 50, down from about an 80 out of 100. The fact that I was still feeling hot and could feel myself sweating was still causing some anxiety but at least it wasn't as bad as when I came into the store. As I was looking for the batteries I saw the ones I was looking for but these batteries were rechargeable. I couldn't find the price so I went to purchase them anyways. I was convinced that they weren't going to be that expensive. The four rechargeable AAA batteries came out to over $22.00; it's now obvious that I haven't purchased batteries in a really long time.

My anxiety went up to about a 90 at this point because

1. I had to tell the cashier that I didn't want those batteries and this involves a certain amount of assertiveness.
2. There was a person waiting in line behind me who I thought was going to get upset by this.
3. The price really surprised me.

In the past, a situation like this would have caused me to leave the batteries behind and leave the store in a panic or I would have purchased the batteries, despite them being expensive, just to avoid a conflict. I took a breath and despite feeling really anxious, I told the cashier that the batteries were too expensive and I that I'll have to purchase regular AAA batteries. I went to get the regular batteries and returned to the same cashier to pay. At this point I noticed an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone a little bit more so I said to the cashier, "I had no idea they were going to be so expensive. These aren't so bad." The cashier smiled and said, "The rechargeable batteries are more expensive." With this, I stepped out of the store still sweating about the same as when I stepped in, but my anxiety at this point was pretty close to zero.

Effective Communication.

2009-03-03T20:28:00.008-05:00

Yesterday I mentioned how my wife and I are communicating better and I feel that I am being listened to when we have disagreements and vice-versa. I found that speaking to her from the heart really allowed me to get my point across. Being mindful of the fact that we won't be leaving each other and that we have too much to work for helps us find new ways to grow closer. We both recognize that when arguments get really heated we tend to develop attitudes that only make the problem worse. We have made a commitment to be mindful of the following attitudes during our disagreements so that things don't get out of hand.

Ten Attitudes That Prevent You From Listening
By David D. Burns, M.D., from The Feeling Good Handbook.

Truth. You believe that you are right and the other person is wrong. you are preoccupied with proving your point instead of expressing your angry feelings more directly or trying to grasp how the other person is thinking and feeling.

Blame. You believe that the problem is the other person's fault. You feel overwhelmingly convinced that you're completely innocent and tell yourself that you have every right to blame him or her.

Need to be the victim. You feel sorry for yourself and think that other people are treating you unfairly because of their insensitivity and selfishness. Your stubborn unwillingness to do anything assertive to make the situation better gives people the impression that you like the role of a martyr.

Self-deception. You cannot imagine that you contribute to a problem because you cannot see the impact of your behaviour on others. For example, you may complain that your wife nags you, but you don't think about the fact that you repeatedly "forget" to follow through on your promise to repair the fence. You may complain that your husband is dogmatic and stubborn and unwilling to listen to your ideas, but you don't notice that you constantly contradict everything he tries to say.

Defensiveness. You are so fearful of criticism that you can't stand to hear anything negative or disagreeable. Instead of listening and trying to find some truth in the other person's point of view, you have the urge to argue and defend yourself.

Coercion sensitivity. You are afraid of giving in or being bossed around. Other people seem controlling and domineering, and you feel that you must dig in your heels and resist them.

Demandingness. You feel entitled to better treatment from others, and you get frustrated when they do not treat you as you expected. Instead of trying to understand what really motivates them, you insist that they are being unreasonable and have no right to feel and act the way they do.

Selfishness. You want what you want when you want it, and you throw a tantrum if you don't get it. You are not especially interested in what others may be thinking and feeling.

Mistrust. You put up a wall because you believe you will be taken advantage of if you listen and try to grasp what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Help addiction. You feel the need to help people when all they want is to be listened to. When friends or family members complain about how bad they feel, you make "helpful" suggestions and tell them what to do. Instead of being appreciative, they get annoyed and continue to complain. You both end up feeling frustrated.

I deal with some pretty irate clients from time to time at work so I'll be using these cognitive tools at work also.

Lonely Obsessions.

2009-03-02T21:38:00.004-05:00

Days when my family are not home can be very, very difficult. I enjoy spending time with them, talking to them, simply having them around. When they are not home I feel extremely alone and I miss them greatly. I have been making great progress with getting my wife to understand that I really need her right now and I feel like she understands the importance of the work I'm doing. I feel closer to her and her support is helping. This makes me miss her even more.

Today I was thinking about how it sucks to have to return to a job where my schedule only allows me to see my family two evenings out of the week and weekday mornings. I can't go out with my family, I can't help my son with his homework, I can't go out with my wife. This sucks. I feel that right now my family is a major part of my recovery and I am very afraid about going back to work. Sure the pay is good and we are financially stable but at what cost. I feel that I don't have the education or the skills needed to just pick up and move to a job with a 9 to 5 schedule that pays well, especially now with the economy the way it is.

This feeling of inadequacy has caused me to obsess about my future career and going back to school to upgrade my skills. I would love to go back to school to have a more meaningful career but I keep picturing myself having horrible panic attacks in meetings, presentations, or in classes, failing and then going back to square one.

I discussed my predicament with my wife today and we both agreed that the job I have right now does pay well and I might be able to have some type of accommodation at work that will allow me to spend more time with my family and continue to work on myself. We also discussed the possibility of me going back to university someday but right now is not the best time to think about that because there are many things on my plate that need to be addressed first. I feel that this condition robbed me of my plans for my future and I can't let that go because it will be a way of letting it win. I want to pick up where I left off.

Understanding Fatigue.

2009-02-28T11:11:00.004-05:00

I often wonder why there are times that I feel really tired and low on energy. In the past, this chronic fatigue has caused problems at work because the desire to sleep and the lack of motivation has been so overwhelming that all I wanted to do was stay home and sleep out of pure exhaustion. This is obviously something that I need to understand more and change so that it won't be a problem once I return to work. I believe that a weak immune system plays a role in me feeling tired most of the time but I also believe that mental fatigue, caused by stress and anxiety, play an even bigger role. The following article explains in more detail how mental fatigue caused by stress, for example, can translate into physical fatigue:

Mental and Physical Fatigue Linked.
By Rick Nauert, Ph.D.
What goes on between the ears can affect how the rest of the body performs, suggests a new study on fatigue.
Researchers found performance of a mentally fatiguing task prior to a difficult exercise test caused participants to reach exhaustion more quickly than when they did the same exercise when mentally rested.
The study also found that mental fatigue did not cause the heart or muscles to perform any differently.
Instead, our perceived effort determines when we reach exhaustion. The researchers said the next step is to look at the brain to find out exactly why people with mental fatigue perceive exercise to be more difficult.
Samuele M. Marcora, Walter Staiano and Victoria Manning of Bangor University, Wales, the United Kingdom, did the study, Mental fatigue impairs physical performance in humans. The study will appear in the March print edition of the Journal of Applied Physiology.
The 16 participants rode a stationary bicycle to exhaustion under two conditions: once when they were mentally fatigued and once when they were mentally rested. The trials took place in the laboratory on different days. The participants got the same amount of sleep, drank the same amount and had the same meal before each of the sessions.
The mental fatigue sessions began with a challenging 90-minute mental task that required close attention, memory, quick reaction and an ability to inhibit a response. After undergoing this session, participants reported being tired and lacking energy. The control session consisted of watching neutral documentaries for 90 minutes and was not mentally fatiguing.
After each of the 90-minute sessions — mentally fatiguing or nonfatiguing — the participants did an intense bout of exercise on a stationary bicycle. They rode until exhaustion, defined as the point when they could not maintain a cadence of at least 60 revolutions per minute for more than five seconds.
Throughout both exercise sessions, the researchers tracked a variety of physiological measures, such as oxygen consumption, heart rate, cardiac output, blood pressure, ventilation, and blood lactate levels. The participants completed surveys to measure their motivation and perceived effort. The researchers offered monetary prizes for the best performance on the exercise and mental tasks as a way to keep motivation high.
The participants stopped exercising 15 percent earlier, on average, when they were mentally fatigued.
The participants stopped at the same perceived effort level in both the fatigued and nonfatigued trial. However, mentally fatigued participants started at a higher level of perceived effort and reached the endpoint sooner.
The cardiorespiratory and musculo-energetic measurements did not vary between the two trials when compared at specific points in time. However, because the nonfatigued trials went longer, heart rate and blood lactate levels were higher at the end of those trials.
Motivation was the same in both trials and was not a factor.
The researchers speculate that the perception of effort occurs in the brain. Dr. Marcora said his team is considering two possibilities:
Mental fatigue lowers the brain’s inhibition against quitting, or

Mental fatigue affects dopamine, a brain chemical that plays a role in motivation and effort
One interesting note is that demanding mental tasks activate the anterior cingulate cortex of the brain. Previous research has shown that rats with a lesion in the anterior cingulate cortex would not work as hard for a reward compared to rats with no lesion. This area of the brain may be where perception of effort originates, Dr. Marcora said.
This research could provide a way to study chronic fatigue syndrome, Dr. Marcora said. People with chronic fatigue report they lack energy and experience ‘brain fog,’ just like the mentally fatigued participants in this study. In addition, as in this study, people with chronic fatigue perceive exercise to be more difficult despite physiological responses considered normal during exercise.
The research model may also be helpful for military personnel. They do physically demanding tasks after long periods of vigilance. Vigilance produces mental fatigue.
Finally, the study suggests that people doing high-intensity training, such as competitive athletes, should do their training while mentally rested. However, people who exercise after work should continue doing so, even if mentally fatigued.
Most people work out at a moderate intensity, which still gives plenty of physiological and psychological benefit, including relief from stress and improved mental performance.

Source: The American Physiological Association

It seems that, according to these findings, I must fight physical fatigue at its source — the mind. Hopefully, as the stress is reduced through practicing mindfulness and addressing the issues that are causing panic and anxiety in my life, I will develop a renewed sense of vitality and an increase in energy.

Pretty Lazy Day Today

2009-02-27T23:16:00.004-05:00

Today was not a very good day in that I was again feeling under the weather. Both my kids have been pretty sick the past couple of days and I think that they have passed it on to me. My energy level was pretty low today and I didn't practice the yoga like I was supposed to. I'll admit that going to bed late might be contributing to the problem and my son preventing my wife and I from getting good sleep isn't helping either. I'm still looking into ways to improve my immune system so that these crashed don't interfere with my activities but I still haven't found out what to do. I guess that as I learn to better handle my stress and exercise on a regular basis I will get healthier. I've also noticed that my anxiety is a bit higher than it has been over the past week and I'm still trying to figure out why that is. Maybe I shouldn't worry too much I don't want the negative thinking to impede my progress.

The Importance of a Good Support System.

2009-02-26T22:39:00.008-05:00

Today I had my CBT meeting with Stephanie at Clear Path Solutions. We discussed a lot of things including the importance of having a good support system in place to help you recover from panic and anxiety. It has been pretty difficult for me over the past three days because the situation at home has not been good. I've been off work on short-term disability in order to have time to work on getting my mind healthy again and it has caused some short-term financial difficulties. This, combined with all the changes in attitudes and perspective, is stressing out my wife and we have been having many arguments.

I believe it can be easy to fall into a trap of believing that other people don't want to be supportive of you or that they don't care but it's important to take the other person's feelings into consideration and help them help you. Change is a terrifying thing, even though Barack Obama has an uncanny ability to romanticize the notion. Change can be very difficult on relationships and more often than not can end in tragedy. Going through this change without the full support of your significant other, family or employer can be emotionally draining and difficult but there are options available. There are many great support groups out there with members that are willing to be there for you and help you recover because they understand how difficult it can be. I came across a support group today, the Toronto Shyness and Social Anxiety Support Group, and I plan on meeting with them on a regular basis. I've never been part of a support group before and I feel it is worth a try.

I found this group at www.meetup.com, simply enter a topic or interest on the search bar at the top of the home page to get a listing of the support groups available. You can also get information on support groups by contacting the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health or Mental Health Service Information Ontario.

Doctor Pt. 2

2009-02-25T20:14:00.003-05:00

Today I had a follow up with my family doctor. During my last appointment I had a bad experience with him, click here for the full story. Today I had the intention of telling him that I did not appreciate what happened during our last appointment but as soon as the doctor entered the room he apologized for what happened last time and was willing to give me the prescription and referral that I needed. Maybe he did notice that I was upset last time.

It took a lot of effort to get myself to a state of mind where I felt I could be assertive with my doctor. I can't believe that there is still a lot of fear and anxiety around expressing my needs to other people but I'm sure it's something that will improve in time. The most important thing is being aware of it and taking all opportunities available to practice.

Have a Closer Look.

2009-02-24T21:59:00.005-05:00

Today I had a bitter-sweet experience tackling another demon that was causing a lot of stress in my life. I felt such an intense feeling of release knowing that I was taking steps to resolve the problem that, in my opinion, was contributing to about 70% of the anxiety roller-coaster that I've been experiencing even before I discovered I had a problem with anxiety and panic attacks 9 years ago.

All along I felt that there was something that was not being addressed that was causing me to still feel uncomfortably anxious despite the progress I've been making. I believe that my improvements in some aspects of my life and a reduction in my stress levels allowed me to develop a new sense of clarity that allowed me to look at myself in a new light. I believe it is always important to trust your instincts and bring full awareness to behaviour that you feel is inappropriate because if you don't, it will keep building up and building up causing more stress and more anxiety in your life.

A Healthy Dose of Anger Management Anyone?

2009-02-23T19:31:00.012-05:00

Today's brazen shooting inside a TTC bus has, again, put the spotlight on the issue of people not being able to handle their anger. Don't get me wrong, I have been guilty of this myself and have been involved in situations where I was not able to handle my anger at all. I have even experienced my own incidents on board a TTC bus.

Last winter I was involved in a physical altercation with two guys on the bus. This incident resulted from me refusing to let someone use my cell phone. One guy asked me if he could use my cell phone and I responded in a calm way that I was going to be getting off the bus at the next stop so they wouldn't be able to use it. I was actually getting off in two stops and mistakenly said I was getting off at the next stop, but they thought I was being a smart ass because of the mistake I made. As we drove past the stop the guy asked, "Didn't you say you were getting off?"

At this point I ignored his question because I could sense that he was upset that I lied (obviously there was a cognitive distortion at play and I would say this guy was mind reading). I was getting off soon anyhow and figured there was no point in getting involved in a confrontation with someone I didn't much care for. His friend, upset that I ignored his buddy, began mumbling something about me needing to be stabbed. This really got me going and I could feel my body responding as well. I believe it was this stress response that caused me to flip out when I was asked again if I was getting off. I told him that it wasn't his business when I got off and to mind his own f****** business and his buddy too. At this point his friend suddenly stood up and got in my face and started yelling at me, telling me to get off the f****** bus or else I was going to be stabbed.

I was so angry I simply told him to f*** off and that I will get off whenever I felt like it and that he wasn't scaring me. At this point he started searching through his pockets and that's when I began to worry. I saw that my stop was approaching and got up to leave the bus. As I walked past the guy who was in my face he kicked my shin with his steel-toe boot. I completely snapped and lunged at him, grabbing him by the lapels, trying to push him between two seats to start punching him. This is when his friend tried to grab me but I was able to punch the guy and he fell back down to his seat.

The driver then hit the breaks and the forward momentum sent me stumbling to the front of the bus where I landed on my back and then the two guys jumped on me and held both my arms down. This is when one guy landed a shot to my face and then got up and stomped my face. When the one guy got up the TTC driver opened the doors and the guy who was holding my other arm got up and left the bus encouraging his friend to leave as well. I got up, got my stuff and went to exit through the rear doors still fuming. I was able to exit the bus and this is when the guy who was outside jumped back into the bus and the driver took off with the two thugs inside. All this happened in a bus with about 10 people looking on and a driver who didn't even care to tell the two guys to get off me or threaten to call the police or nothing. Was he waiting for me to really be stabbed? Anyhow, I know that I probably should have kept ignoring these guys or moved to a different part of the bus when things were escalating. I didn't then but I'll be mindful of this and not make the same mistake in the future. I still can't believe I was more concerned about my ego and keeping face than the possibility of being stabbed.

It is very difficult to handle your emotions when your physically and emotionally worked up but I found out today that it is not impossible. I was involved in an altercation today that could have easily turned physical if I hadn't been practicing the relaxation techniques or read the section Anger Is Not a Four Letter Word from the book "Your Perfect Right" that was recommended to me by Stephanie at Clear Path Solutions.

I was already pretty worked up from an argument with my wife and a negative encounter with my family doctor. Today my doctor seemed to be in too much of a rush to address all my concerns and I felt like he just wanted to get me out of his office as soon as possible. He even walked out of the room while I was still talking. I didn't understand what the hurry was, the office wasn't as busy as it usually is, it wasn't closing time and I did have an appointment scheduled. I'm sure he had his reasons, but to leave me hanging there really made me angry. I didn't really say much to him then because he was already in the hallway moving to the next room and there were other patients waiting. I plan on using this as an opportunity to practice my assertiveness and to tell him that I don't appreciate his approach. I scheduled an appointment with the doctor for this Wednesday instead of next week like he suggested and he will address all my concerns then and he will know that I don't appreciate being treated that way. Now, to the heart of the matter.

When I was driving away from the doctor's office I noticed a couple who were walking across the parking lot. I did slow down as I approached them but rather than stopping and letting them cross I just kept on driving. As I was driving right in front of them I thought that I might have really bothered them. As soon as that thought left my head I heard a bang on the roof of my car and when I looked in my rear view mirror the woman was laughing and the man was just staring in my direction. I automatically thought that they dented the roof of my car and suddenly felt this rush of anger go through me and I visualized myself jumping out of the car and just pounding on this guy. I hit the breaks and prior to stepping out of my car I stopped myself, acknowledged the fact that I was really angry and just sat in my car and focused on my breathing and remembered the thought I had earlier about how I would have felt if I were in their shoes.

As I was sitting in my car I could hear the guy say, "What, you're going to hit me?" as he walked toward my car. I kept telling myself, "Don't blow up but don't storm off either." I stayed in my car as the guy approached. I told him that I wasn't going to hit him and asked if I did something to offend him. He obviously mentioned that he didn't appreciate me cutting him and his girlfriend off. I was about to apologize when he suddenly became very belligerent saying that I was pissing him off and that I should drive off before he smashes my face. I started to think, "This guy thinks I'm a punk and I'm afraid of him. I'm not going to let him get away with that." I was about to get right back in his face when again I stopped myself and simply told him, "Alright, I'll go. Don't hit my car again."

As I was driving off I heard another thud coming from the back of my car and this one sounded pretty loud. As I turned on to the street I told myself that despite this guy being understandably upset he has no right to be damaging my car. I turned back into the parking lot with the intent to resolve the situation the best way I could. I parked my car, got out, and checked my car for damage. I did not want to let this guy get away with vandalizing my vehicle and I was ready to call the police if I noticed any damage on my car. I felt that resolving the issue in a calm assertive way was better than driving home and replaying this situation over and over again in my head and beating myself up in the process, calling myself a weak, pathetic wimp simply because I didn't resolve the issue physically. I did not notice that my car was damaged so I drove home. I focused on my breath all along and gave myself a pat on the back for resolving the issue calmly. I still had to confront my wife at home but I was able to remain calm during our disagreement and the issue was ultimately resolved.

I see this as a huge victory and just another step among many made and many left to go. I am learning to respond rather than react to stressful situations and the fact that I'm making progress boosts my confidence tremendously.

10 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking.

2009-02-21T10:25:00.005-05:00

The 10 cognitive distortions that I mentioned in my last post can be used to develop awareness of distorted thinking, and once you are aware of your distorted thoughts, you can take steps to untwist those thoughts and behaviour. The 10 Ways to Distort Your Thinking are found in "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David D. Burns, they are:

Identify the Distortion. Write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the ten cognitive distortions you're involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.
Examine the Evidence. Instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.
The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.
The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if, during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you're about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.
Thinking in Shades of Gray. Although this method might sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate things on a range from 0 to 100. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.
The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you believe that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.
Define Terms. When you label yourself "inferior" or "a fool" or "a looser," ask, "What is the definition of 'a fool'?" You will feel better when you see that there is no such thing as "a fool" or "a looser."
The Semantic Method. Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for "should statements." Instead of telling yourself "I shouldn't have made that mistake," you can say, "It would be better if I hadn't made that mistake."
Re-attribution. Instead of automatically assuming that you are "bad" and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.
Cost-Benefit Analysis. List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like "No matter how hard I try, I always screw up"), or a behaviour pattern (like overeating and lying around in bed when you're depressed). You can also use the Cost-Benefit Analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, "I must always try to be perfect."

10 Cognitive Distortions.

2009-02-20T13:40:00.010-05:00

I came across some cognitive tools that have been helpful for me in the past in the book "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David D. Burns. The checklist of cognitive distortions have helped me in the past to bring awareness to distorted thinking and has allowed me to come up with alternative ways of thinking and perceiving stressful situations. I will memorize them all so that I can continue to apply them going forward. The 10 cognitive distortions are:

All or nothing thinking: You look a negative things in absolute, black-and-white categories.
Overgeneralization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
Mental filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.
Discounting the positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities "don't count."
Jumping to conclusions: (A) Mind reading - you assume that people are reacting negatively to you when there's no definite evidence for this, (B) Fortune-telling - You arbitrarily predict that things will turn out badly.
Magnification or minimization: You blow things way up out of proportion or you shrink their importance inappropriately.
Emotional reasoning: You reason from how you feel: "I feel like an idiot, so I really must be one." Or "I don't feel like doing this, so I'll put it off."
"Should statements": You criticise yourself or other people with "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts." "Musts," "oughts," and "have tos" are similar offenders.
Labeling: You identify with your short comings. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you tell yourself, "I'm a jerk," or "a fool," or "a looser."
Personalization and blame: You blame yourself for something you weren't entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that your own attitudes and behaviour might contribute to a problem.

Assertiveness.

2009-02-19T23:09:00.005-05:00

I made it to today's CBT session at Clear Path. I had an opportunity to discuss some fears that have come up lately about the possibility of relapsing. I have made some progress before but it did not last long and I was back to feeling depressed and having panic attacks within a few months. I was reassured by Stephanie today that I am making good progress and that the work that I have done in the past, combined with what I'm doing now, are allowing me to develop the skills needed for long term recovery.

We also discussed my issues with assertiveness and I was advised to read a chapter on how to properly express anger from the book Your Perfect Right. I have a really hard time with conflict and disagreements because the bodily sensations I get when I'm angry are similar to those feelings I experience when I'm very anxious. When I feel like that, I think that I won't have full control of my emotions and I fear that I will blow up rather than expressing my anger in a healthy way. This fear is what holds me back from confronting someone or expressing my anger and I prefer to avoid conflict whenever possible.

Today was a perfect example of how uncomfortable it is for me to be assertive. In the last ten minutes of my session with Stephanie at Clear Path, Dr. Kelly entered the room to discuss my plans for returning to work. As the conversation progressed I began to feel really anxious to the point where I was sweating heavily and I kept thinking that I'm being judged in a negative way by the very people that are there to help. Obviously they have insight into my condition and understand what I'm going through, but in the heat of the moment I tend to believe the worst. At that time it was difficult for me to pinpoint where all the anxiety and nervousness was coming from.

As I was walking home I kept going over my thoughts trying to understand why I was so anxious. While I was on the subway I suddenly realized that it was the topic of the conversation that was triggering the anxiety. I was put in a situation where I had to articulate to Dr. Kelly what I wanted. I recall thinking, over and over again, I'm not ready to go back to work yet, I feel that I still have to do the exposure exercises in order to learn to better cope with the physical sensations and the fear. It took a while for me to finally express what I wanted but first I had to get over my fears. I had a fear of my employer not liking the possibility of me taking more time off work. I was also concerned that if I mentioned to Dr. Kelly that I felt like taking some more time off it would reflect negatively on Stephanie. Perhaps Dr. Kelly would think that she wasn't doing a good job or that I wasn't putting in enough effort. The fact that I did see Dr. Kelly as an authority figure also made me feel inferior, as if I had no right to tell him how I felt about my progress or my opinions about returning to work.

The fear of other people being offended or disapproving of me were so intense that I almost kept my mouth shut despite knowing that I have an opportunity now for me to truly work on myself. I will take whatever time that is needed for me to recover from the panic and anxiety so that I can be productive at work . I'll definitely be reading the entire book on assertiveness and hopefully I'll learn some coping mechanisms that will allow me to be more assertive going forward.

Stigma.

2009-02-18T14:11:00.017-05:00

The stigma associated with mental health has prevented me from properly addressing my issues with panic and anxiety and has played a big role in me falling victim to statements like, "Everyone has problems," or "Get over it," and "It's all in your head." Although some of these statements do have a certain ring of truth to them, they can come across as insensitive and crude. I believe that these statements arise from a lack of education and awareness. I'm sure that many people close to you would like to help but don't know how to get past the awkwardness and shock that occurs when one discloses mental illness.

One of the most hurtful moments that I can recall, that still pains me to this day, is when I lost a very close friend after disclosing past abuse and my concerns over my mental health. This happened when I was first experiencing panic attacks and severe depression about 9 years ago. I recall calling my friend a couple of days after disclosing my situation to get some type of support only to have my calls screened and not returned at all. Eventually I stopped trying to get in contact with my friend and he simply stopped calling me. The intense feeling of abandonment and betrayal that followed truly added to the confusion of what was going on at the time and made me extremely depressed and more anxious. I made efforts to reach out to my parents only to have them give me a guilt trip about my condition.

All this happened when I was in my OAC year (grade 13) in high school, making good grades, and for all my knowledge I had no idea what a panic attack was or where to get help. I missed classes, I became reclusive, I was very angry and irritable and no one at school or at home noticed. I was called lazy, irresponsible, a bad student and uncaring. It would have been nice to have at least one person say, "This is not like you, there's obviously something wrong, how can I help you?" I'm just glad that the person who would eventually say that was me.

Stigma not only affects those who are on the outside looking in, but also the person who is struggling inside the glass house. I write this blog as though hundreds of people read it when I know that right now not that many people are even aware that this site exists. Only my immediate family, therapists and a few friends know about this site. I would love to be more open about my condition because there are many, many people out there who struggle in silence not even being aware of what the problem is let alone where to get help. I struggled in silence for the better part of nine years and it was an absolute nightmare.

I still have a hard time acknowledging that I'm not the only one who suffers from panic and anxiety because I haven't had insight into the personal ordeal of an individual like their thoughts, their feelings, their perspective, nothing. You read about statistics but numbers and graphs don't do what a blog can do in terms of offering true insight into what recovery is all about. I do have plans to gradually make this blog available to more and more people. The staff at Workman Arts, who have always been very supportive, will help me spread the word. I feel that as I work on my issues day by day I will develop more courage and let go of the stigma that I hold on to about my own condition and in the process help eliminate it all together so that people can get the help they need.

Awareness of unpleasant event.

2009-02-17T17:38:00.004-05:00

In weeks 3 and 4 of the formal practice of MBSR you practice awareness while you're in the middle of pleasant moments in week 3 and stressful moments in week 4. It's easy to focus on the pleasant moments, like when I play with my little boy or when I'm helping my older son with his projects. Today, however, it was pretty easy to come across stressful moments and since I'm in week 4 I had plenty to practice with.

I had to reschedule my CBT appointment at Clear Path because the traffic was a mess. I thought that since I was going to be driving to my appointment I wouldn't pressed for time, that wasn't exactly the case. I knew there were problems on the 401 but I had no idea the extent of the problem. While I drove on the overpass and as I was approaching the on-ramp at Keele and the 401 I saw that the eastbound traffic was bumper to bumper. Stress level 1. I said OK no problem I'll drive to Lawrence and go to the Allen through there. The eastbound traffic was heavy from Keele to the Allen. Stress level 2. I finally got to the Allen and then took the exit at Eglinton. The traffic was fine for about two blocks before I the traffic was again bumper to bumper. Stress level 3. By this time I already knew that I was going to be late to my appointment and I wasn't even half way there so I called Stephanie to reschedule. I was pretty disappointed because I was looking forward to our session.

During all this I felt hot and my neck and shoulders were getting tense. I also noticed that my breath was high on my chest, meaning I wasn't getting a full breath, instead of being low on my abdomen. I was also sweating a bit and was very irritable. Driving while your irritable is not a good idea, especially when you're in a rush in heavy traffic. I was feeling disappointed and angry that I didn't leave earlier and my mind was racing with thoughts. I notice that when I'm stressed I find it difficult to not be carried away by my thoughts. I kept picturing myself encountering more heavy traffic on Bloor and the again on Bay St. I kept thinking that people drive really slow when in reality it was me who was driving too fast. After I rescheduled my appointment I did feel a lot better knowing that it was handled. I then began to feel more relaxed and reflected on what I could do next time to avoid getting into this mess again. I came to the conclusion that I would need to take the bus like I was doing before and give myself about a 1 hour and 15 minute window to make sure I arrive on time.

Off the meds.

2009-02-16T22:58:00.004-05:00

I've decided to go off of the medication. I actually made the decision on Friday and have been off the meds since. I am feeling a lot less agitated and restless and I have a bit more energy than usual. I really hate feeling drowsy and I feel that having to deal with that side effect can affect my mood in a negative way. I'm going to continue doing the other therapy, the mindfulness and the CBT, and see how it goes. I'm scared to death about doing the exposures but we'll see how it goes when the time comes.

I am also noticing that I'm gaining confidence in my ability to ride out a panic attack. I feel that the relaxation techniques are helping me, especially the yoga, and I feel less tense and have a better sense of vitality. I still get anxious thoughts but I'm not preoccupied by them the way that I used to be. I am committed to facing my fears and making a steady recovery.

I am also doing better with mundane tasks like helping my son with his homework. I don't let the perfectionist Fernando come to life - the one that gets me stressed when dealing with even the smallest of tasks. I know that helping my son a month ago with a major project would have triggered intense anxiety but today I was able to get the project going and get it done in a timely manner. This was something that I noticed while it was happening and it felt good to not freak out on my son or on myself for not doing it right. The project came out really nice and my son was so happy about the prospect of getting an A on his assignment. I find that the small victories motivate me more than anything.

Your Kite

2009-02-14T10:25:00.003-05:00

Made of silk and simple twigs
I appear to be fragile
Yet my journeys will say otherwise
I endure a lot.

I have been lifted by the winds
And taken through relentless storms.
I have been hit by the lightning bolt
That generated your loneliness and pace.

I have been moved by forces beyond me
And keep being pushed higher and higher.
I want to reach higher.
Reach nothing in particular.

The violence is agonizing
And the wicked weather is unyielding.
I keep on reaching higher without
Acknowledging that I am not alone.

You grasped my tattered tail long ago
And have come along for the ride,
Out of your free will
Combined with some unknown force.

I feel your fear and see your tears
But I should reach higher.
The storm will end and when it does
I will grasp my grail.

Nine years have passed
And I'm still beaten.
Yet you still hold on and wait for me
To come to rest on Earth.

The storms have not let down
And I am restless.
I have been reaching devoid of grasping.
Now I believe our time has come.

I acknowledge you.
I see you.
I feel you.
I'll bring you down to Earth.

After all that reaching
With nothing to show for it,
I'll bring you down to Earth.
We come to rest as one.

We rest below the darkness,
Below the danger,
Below the violence and
Confusion of the storms.

I admire you and I'm sorry.
You were with me through it all.
Through the fear, the flames and sorrow,
You were with me through it all.

Now I’m convinced the unknown force
That kept you hanging on
Was the force of your prevailing
And never ending love.

Prozac-free? Perhaps.

2009-02-13T22:31:00.005-05:00

This morning I woke up feeling very jittery. It's a feeling that is difficult to explain but it feels as though you had 3 cups of coffee in your sleep and you suddenly wake up in the middle of a caffeine rush. I feel very restless and I feel like the only thing that can stop the feeling is to tense up for a bit and then the feeling goes away for a while. I strongly believe that it is a side effect of the medication.

I was taking 20 mg about two weeks ago but I had to bring it down to 10 mg because of side effects. When I was taking the 20 mg I felt really drowsy, irritable and my short term memory and ability to concentrate were greatly impaired. Now that I'm settling into the 10 mg I feel the drowsiness coming back and the jitteriness has become an issue. I'm not a big fan of the medication and I'm thinking about seeing the doctor about getting off of them and trying to continue without the use of medication. I'll let you know once I get off the meds.

Business As Usual.

2009-02-12T22:04:00.003-05:00

I carried on my business as usual today. I did learn that my short-term disability claim was approved today so that relieved some stress that I've been feeling over the past two weeks. I am noticing a difference in my fear of certain situations and I'm noticing that I don't react to the fear the way I used to. I try to focus on what I feel physically when the feeling of fear comes over me and try not to associate any thoughts to what I feel. I'm finding it easier to focus on my breath and this helps me to relax to whatever I feel. I think that the more I practice this the better I'll be at it. It was a pretty good day today.

Like I mentioned, I am taking some time off of work to develop my coping skills a bit better and to reflect on my recovery. My experience with work has been an ordeal that I will discuss in more detail soon. I'm hoping to return to work and not have any attendance issues and be able to perform a lot better than I did before I went on short-term disability.

Damn Remote!

2009-02-11T20:55:00.004-05:00

Let me tell you a story that might seem irrelevant and how it ties into recovering from anxiety.

Yesterday my "universal" remote died. There is nothing more empowering than having one remote to control all the components in your home entertainment unit. The thing I liked about this remote is that with the press of only one button all the devices you need turn on and go to the correct input, like magic. I can't describe the rush, the power rush, that filled every cell in my body...OK, I'm getting carried away. But you know how much of an inconvenience it is when the damn remote dies.

I got the remote from a previous job for free so I wasn't too concerned about the warranty so in my mindless, auto-pilot mode of thinking I tried to fix the remote myself. Bad idea. It took about half an hour to figure out how to even get at the screws and once the screws were off it still wouldn't come apart. So I tried pulling it apart with my hands and in the process cracked my nail, not too much, but enough to have it hurt like a...well I'll leave it at that. I finally got too frustrated to deal with it so I just quickly tried to put the screws back on and then put the batteries back in. The thing is that the screws were not screwed in all the way and when I put the cover back on it was jammed by the pressure of the screws on the batteries and in turn the batteries put too much pressure on the cover. I nearly gave myself second degree friction burn trying to slide the cover off and finally I left it as is.

The things the we would do to hold on to control can be pretty astonishing. My desire to have full control over my convenience was so intense that I went to great lengths to try and fix the remote myself only to make the problem worse. It's almost as though the desire to hold on to absolute control can demonstrate to us how little control we really have. At least that's how I saw it in my own situation. I am now in pain as I type this because the nail on my left middle finger is cracked and the funny thing is that when I check to see the damage I wind up flipping myself the bird in the process.

Today was a rough day in the sense that my general anxiety was pretty high. I had a disagreement with my wife in the morning and standing in line at the grocery store with everyone trying to cut you off can be pretty stressful. Those events got my day off to a pretty lousy start but I now realize that I have very little control of many of the events that occur throughout the day. Releasing my desire to control the things that I have no control over and gaining control over the things that I can, has lead to a sense of stability that is helping me cope with stress and is reducing the panic and anxiety I experience. I'm happy I can look back at the remote incident and laugh and I wait for the day that I can look back at other difficult situations in my life and find humor in them as well.

4th Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy Session

2009-02-10T21:42:00.005-05:00

Today I had my session with Stephanie at Clear Path Solutions. When dealing with panic and anxiety its always good to expose yourself to uncomfortable situations so I like taking the TTC instead of driving to the office downtown. It gives me a chance to be surrounded by people and practice observing how my body progresses through a panic attack and the thoughts that go through my mind. I am becoming more aware of my early warning system and what to focus on the most in order to prevent the panic from progressing any further.

I am finding out that feeling hot around my neck and face as well as the feeling of sweat on my face are the two things that can lead to a panic attack. I begin getting concerned that others will see me either blushing or sweating and think that I am getting nervous about a topic in conversation or a situation that they can then use against me. I also start to think that they will start to believe that I am crazy or weak or not "normal."

Today on the bus I was able to relax into the feelings of heat and not to associate any type of thoughts to fact that I felt some sweat on my brow. I simply took it for what it was, heat became heat and sweat became sweat and nothing else. I focused on my breathing like I have been learning through the mindfulness of breathing exercises and pinpointed irrational thoughts as learned through the cognitive-behavioral therapy. I did feel uncomfortable on the bus for about 10 minutes but once I fully tuned in to the fact that there was no real danger and that sweating and heat are sensations that I shouldn't fear, everything became a lot more manageable.

Something that I became aware of during my session with Stephanie today is how even stepping out of the house can cause anxiety. I experience the majority of my panic attacks outside of the house so it's no wonder that I have been conditioned to fear stepping out of the house to varying degrees. I was advised to be mindful of this and do some breathing exercises and be aware of my thoughts before stepping out in order to condition myself to have positive, relaxed feelings when stepping out of the house. It makes a lot of sense so I'll be practicing that this week.

Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Videos

2009-02-09T14:40:00.004-05:00

I have put together a playlist of videos that discuss in great detail what mindfulness based stress reduction is all about as well as some of the research that has been done to back it up. Enjoy!

I'm feeling pretty sick today.

2009-02-08T21:24:00.007-05:00

My overall health has been a major concern for me over the past couple of months. I'm certain that the stress that I have been under is the primary culprit of me being constantly sick. Being sick compounds the stress in my life since I've had to call in sick to work many times with sinus infections and other types of infections that are still a mystery to me to this day. I recall last year, towards the end of the summer, I got a really bad fever in the middle of the night. I woke up sweating with the chills and just completely out of it. I guess I'm like most men and I tend to whine a lot when I'm sick but my wife took good care of me for about 3 hours that night. I finally managed to get myself to sleep and when I woke up I was completely fine.

Today I woke up feeling pretty lousy with body aches and great stomach discomfort and I stayed in bed for most of the morning and early in the afternoon. Feeling sick today put me in a lousy mood and I did dwell on it for most of the day. I was able to avoid thinking the absolute worse but it was pretty troublesome. I was able to the body scan today and the fact that I was able to finish it without fallinf asleep or being too distracted put in a better mood. I have been better since then and I just need to be patient with my body and have faith that as long as I keep doing the work I will get better.

Here is a passage from Full Catastrophe Living by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn where he mentions the stunning results of a series of experiments carried out in the mid 1970s about how the mind and the immune system are connected somehow:

A remarkable series of experiments conducted by Drs. Robert Ader and Nicholas Cohen at Rochester University Medical School, starting in the mid 1970s, contributed profoundly to the explosion of research and interest in PNI. They uncovered a dramatic relationship between the brain and the immune system. They showed that immunosuppression (a lowering of the immune response) in rats could actually be conditioned by pairing treatment of the animals with a drug having the property of reducing immune system functions (called an immunosuppressant) with exposure to a sweet tasting chemical (saccharin) in their drinking water. After receiving this combination of an immunosuppressant injection and saccharin in their water, when saccharin alone was readministered in their drinking water at a later time, the animals once again showed immunosuppression, this time without the immunosuppressing drug. It appeared that their bodies had somehow learned to suppress immune functioning in response to tasting saccharin when it had been given with the immunosuppressant drug. Control animals did not show this conditioned response. This suggested that in the conditioned animals, their immune functioning was affected by a kind of psychological learning, which could only have come through the nervous system.

This reinforces my belief that my body and my mind have been conditioned to react in destructive ways, conciously and subconciously, as a result of not confronting my panic attacks and stress over the last 9 years. This is why I believe that the panic attacks and anxiety come on very strongly even when I know that the fear is not real. It feels almost as though my physical sensations make the panic worse because my thoughts revolve around resisting what my body is telling me and I become completely detached from the situation itself. This realization is helping me deal with the panic attacks better and I tell myself, "Since I learned to react this way over the past 9 years then overtime I can learn to react differently." I'll let you know how my immune system is improving as my mental health improves.

Today was a good day.

2009-02-07T21:10:00.003-05:00

I have started to go to Church again after many years of not going. I feel I need spirituality in my life and I also want to learn more about myself and morality in general. I find Church to be a great place to expose myself to situations that have caused great panic and anxiety in the past. My condition has caused me to feel great discomfort in public places like in a classroom, a mall and other places where many people gather, and there isn't a more communal place than Church, so I feel Church is the perfect training ground for me.

After having suffered from panic attacks for 9 years I feel I have been conditioned to fear physical sensations like blushing, heat, sweating, butterflies-in-the-stomach, and a rapid heart beat. These feelings trigger intense fear when I'm in social situations so naturally I feel this at Church. Last week I was difficult, I was sweating profusely, my mind was racing along with my heart, I felt like I was going to pass out and I kept thinking "all these people must think I'm crazy" and "I need to get out of here NOW." I was raised Roman Catholic and was tought to not disrespect the Church as in storming out in the middle of Mass. I was also taught that Church is a place where you connect directly with a loving and caring God and He is here to help. This wisdom is what allows me to fight with all my might all the fear and panic and allows my body to ride out the storm when I'm at Church. The hard part of it all is that it takes a really long time for the physical symptoms to go away, in my case I can have a full-blown panic attack for up to 30 minutes. What does this feel like you ask? Picture a scenario where if you had to rate your fear from 0 to 100 it rates in at 101. Now picture you had to live through that fear for 30 minutes. Now add the scariest part of all, the threat doesn't really exist. The fact that the fear is perceived and not real is what makes the panic attacks so difficult to confront and overcome. I have an intense fear of having a gun pointed to my face and having my life threatened, as do most people; the thing with this scenario is that if your life was really in danger you wouldn't have to endure it passively for 30 minutes you would use the physical stimulation to either fight or run. The thing about panic attacks is that the fear is not rational and depending on the degree of your conditioning it can take 10 minutes to 30 minutes or even more for your mind and body to unite and realize that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Mindfulness is helping me to unite my mind with my body so that the two work in better harmony. I am developing a greater awareness of my bodily sensations, good and bad, and this is helping me get to the root of the panic attacks and find that early warning system that I can use to calm myself down early instead of being taking for a wild ride. The cognitive-behavioural therapy is also helping me bring awareness to the irrational thoughts that occur during a panic attack and develop alternative thinking.

Today at mass I did sweat for a bit but I did not have that intense fear that I had last week. I was able to enjoy mass in peace and within 10 minutes the sweating stopped. I am confident that my work at Clear Path and the mindfulness will help greatly with my recovery.

My second attempt at mindfulness based stress reduction.

2009-02-06T21:08:00.002-05:00

I am reading over the posts of when I first took the MBSR course at St. Joe's and I can't believe how hard I was on myself for not doing it right. Having that attitude has a certain judgemental ring to it; since I wasn't doing it right then I must have been doing it wrong.

I've been reading the book Full Catastrophe Living by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn in great detail and I now understand that mindfulness is about moment to moment, non-judgemental awareness. This understanding has allowed me to practice mindfulness once again by following the week by week instructions in the book with a lot less stress and more clarity. I am in my second week of practice which involves doing the 45 minute body scan exercise and 10 minutes of sitting meditation 6 days per week. I still encounter some of the difficulties that I encountered before but you know what, that is just fine by me at this moment.

A note about doctors and medication.

2009-02-05T21:10:00.007-05:00

I have been through many doctors to help me deal with the panic attacks and mood disorder with medication over the years relying heavily on their "expert opinion." I have tried different medications like Paxil, Imipramine, Celexa as well as benzodiazepines like Ativan.

I have never been a fan of the pills to be honest with you. Dealing with their side effects have been beyond difficult at times and with certain medications I found my mood and anxiety was a lot worse. I know that not everyone reacts the same to medication and often you have to try different medications until you find the one that is right for you but be careful. I found the benzodiazepines to be extremely addictive and had intense panic attacks after I stopped using those pills. I found myself developing a tolerance to the Ativan quickly and would take them 3 to 4 days in a row to allow me to go to work and function only to wind up missing 2 to 3 days of work because of what I felt as withdrawal from stopping the Ativan. I am currently on Prozac but I hope to be off of it in time and don't plan on taking it for long. I am relying more on the cognitive-behavioral therapy and the mindfulness based stress reduction more than anything.

You might wonder why I quoted the phrase "expert opinion" at the beginning of this post, well lets just say that the only person who truly has an expert opinion on you is you. I've had doctors call me lazy and cut off relationships for reasons that I won't fully understand so don't underestimate your own ability to educate yourself and take control of your health.

Truly motivated to change.

2009-02-04T21:39:00.006-05:00

As you can see I haven't posted anything for about 2 years. I'm reading over some of my posts when I was first going through the mindfulness course and it's funny how I had no clue back then that the one thing I was missing was true motivation from within. Mental illness is a mystery because you don't realize how bad you have it until you hit rock bottom and that bottom varies greatly from person to person. I haven't really struggled with addiction to drugs or alcohol but I believe that with all issues of the mind one needs to crash, head on, to those sharp and jagged rocks at the very bottom of that dark, dark pit in order to see how you are hurting yourself and those who love you.

Recently my panic attacks, anxiety and depression took me to a place that I never want to go to again. My depression was at its lowest and I strongly considered the option of taking the easiest way out once and for all. Notice how hard it is for me to use the "S" word. I thank God that I was able to get the help I needed that day and I have been expressing my desperation and need for help to anyone who would hear me ever since. The funny thing about it all is that it's happening at a time in my life when, to an outsider, things couldn't be better. I own my home, I have a beautiful wife and two smart, wonderful kids. I also have a job that pays great with great opportunities, benefits and security despite the gloomy economic outlook. My issues are within me and I now know that I can't run away from my problems, I can't live in denial and I have a lot to live for. I choose to live a healthier and more satisfying life despite the struggles and I know things will only get better.

I want to leave this post here and will continue to blog about my experiences on a day to day basis and talk in detail about the type of therapy I'm doing as well as the medication and anything else that comes my way.

Yoga Pt.2

2006-11-14T20:13:00.000-05:00

Today was my first shot at the more intense Yoga 2 CD. It's very strange because I found myself really struggling through some of the Yoga poses but I was very relaxed at the end of it all to the point that I drifted out of conciousness towards the very end of the CD.

I really believe that Yoga is a good place to observe difficult physical sensations and condition your body to relax into the sensations. During Yoga one encounters very difficult poses and stretches and you are encouraged by Jon Kabat-Zinn to relax into the pose, relax into a pose that makes you feel like your tendons are on fire, are you kidding me. Sure it's easy to think about quitting and get discouraged while I experience discomfort but I keep my eye on the big picture and I then understand that it's all worthwhile.

I do plan on joining a Yoga class once I have a bit more income coming my way. I want to join a class just to have more interaction with a group of strangers and to step out of my comfort zone. Once I join the class I will create a seperate section for that and keep you posted on my experience with that.

I'm back.

2006-11-13T21:01:00.001-05:00

Many days have gone by since I last posted anything on my blog and I feel that I have broken a commitment I made to myself. Nevertheless I am now renewing that commitment and plan to continue to offer a detailed account on my recovery from panic and anxiety.

I have been working regularly on the MBSR program and I have started Yoga since my last post. I have enjoyed the Yoga very much and it has been a good outlet for releasing the stress that I feel on my shoulders and neck. We are also currently working on sitting meditation that lasts for 45 minutes and I am amazed with what I've learned about myself in those 45 minutes. I am able to pin point specific body sensations that I find trigger the panic attacks and I am able to pin point everything a lot sooner than I was able to before.

This program has been very powerful for me and a bit overwhelming, both physically and emotionally, at times but I find that I am building the foundation that I need to get my life back on the right path. I plan on offering more insight into this program and others that I take on in the future so please come back and visit.

Got off track for a while.

2006-10-22T22:31:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted for a while because I have found it difficult to find time after returning to work from parental leave. I know I should be putting forth a better effort and I definitely plan on doing that on this my third week of the MBSR program.

Let me now bring you up to speed on what's been going on. I attended my third MBSR class last Thursday and we started doing Yoga. I found the Yoga to be so relaxing, it was somewhat difficult but it was well worth it. The Yoga made me feel very relaxed and the restless feelings that I get over my body were quited down for some time.

I am however noticing my restlessness during the body scan, more and more, as the program continues. I have talked to Deborah, our instructor, about this and she recommended that I try focusing on all of the contact points at which my body touches the ground to aleviate the problem I'm encountering with restlessness. This has helped to a certain degree but I have found it difficult to finish the body scan on a couple of ocassions because I get so restless that I need to stop the body scan and walk around and stretch for a bit.

On a positive note, I am noticing that all this meditating and relaxing is providing me with a new, clearer perspective on what needs to improve in my life. I have been able to foster a new love for my family that might not have existed had I not started this program. I am more sensitive to my family's feelings and needs and this allows me to make a better connection with them and assure them that I can take care of them. I am also gaining more self-confidence because I feel a little bit more in control of my panic attacks and I definitely feel more peaceful. I hope to keep feeling this way and I will continue to stay on this path.

It wasn't that bad.

2006-10-16T20:24:00.000-04:00

I was dreading going back to work today. I was feeling very anxious this whole weekend and I avoided doing my meditation and other activities the whole time. Instead I was dreaming up the worst possible scenario and it wasn't even close to what actually happened. Work was light like always and the day went by pretty quickly. All this makes me realize more that I need to really get control of myself when I'm feeling stressed and anxious. I tend to remove myself from my responsibilities and this causes even more stress because I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do.

I still need to do the body scan on a daily basis and I did manage to start with that again and I found myself feeling very relaxed after I was done. I still tend to fall asleep but I'm working on getting that under control. I think I find it difficult to stay awake because of my newborn son, he wakes up many times during the night and in turn keeps my wife and I awake all the time.

I did the 10 minute mindfull breathing exercise today and that was really relaxing. I plan on using this sitting mindfull breathing exercise more often as I go through my day and encounter panic attacks.

Encountering difficulties.

2006-10-14T21:58:00.000-04:00

I missed posting an entry on my blog yesterday. I've been having a hard time yesterday and today in dealing with my stress. I'm very anxious about returning to work on Monday and this has caused a lot of irritability and stress. When I get like this I become reclusive and I find that things easily set me off.

I had a hard time getting motivated to do the body scan and the 10 mindful breathing exercise yesterday. I was able to do the body scan today and I did fall a sleep for a bit but when I woke up I felt really restless and I stopped the body scan about 5 minutes early. I was getting this strange feeling all over my body that makes it almost impossible to sit still.

Work has always been difficult for me since I first started having symptoms of panic attacks and anxiety. I had a good work ethic prior to that but when the panic attacks struck I was terrified to be in social situations. All of this still continues today to some degree and it is this fear of losing my job because of this illness that has me very worried. I don't plan on missing any work in the future and this is one of my goals, to get my work ethic back.

MBSR - Second Class.

2006-10-12T22:56:00.000-04:00

Today was my second class in the MBSR program at St. Joe's. I got there half an hour late and walked in the middle of the body scan meditation. I was embarrassed about this but the body scan meditation allowed me to get over it and relax. We discussed the principles behind mindfulness and how we can use it to control our reactions to stressful and emotional situations. The instructor was able to show us the theory in action when one of my fellow MBSR students got emotional and started to cry as she was asking a question related to her specific situation. The instructor, Debrah McKean, told this student to focus on her breathing and focus the breathing on the area where she was feeling the emotional stress, the student said she felt it in her chest, so that's where the breathing was focused. The student was able to control her emotions through mindfulness and it was at this point that the instructor told her that we can make the right decision regarding our situations when we are fully in control of our mind and body, this makes so much sense.

We also discussed the formal way of doing the sitting meditation. Apparently I was doing it wrong because I was sitting on my bed with my legs stretched out. We are supposed to do the meditation while sitting on a chair in an upright posture. I will definitely try this and hopefully all goes well.

In the future I do plan on blogging about my daily experiences with panic and anxiety. This topic will have its own section and there you can see how the struggle is like, I've had stories to tell about that and you'll get to read all about them once they're up. This site will also have videos, I just created my YouTube account so I hope to use that soon.

Homework time.

2006-10-11T21:53:00.000-04:00

Homework brings back not so good memories of my high school days. As part of the MBSR program we need to do exercises everyday however written homework needs to be done once a week.

The written homework asked "what needs can you identify in your life that are currently not being fulfilled. What would have to change/what would have to be different for these needs to be met or for you to take a step towards fulfilling these needs?" to which I answered:
I want to be more physically active and be more financially stable. I believe I will need to get past all the negative thoughts that cause me to procrastinate as well as get past my fears and stop predicting the worst. I also need to relax on my perfectionist attitude and allow things to come as they are rather than believing that things need to be done a certain way in order for them to work. I work really well is structured situations so therefore:

I believe that I can get on the path to physical fitness if I can find an affordable fitness class that offers the structure, support, and guidance I need.
I believe that I can be more financially stable if I can develop my skills as a web designer/developer with the help of a mentor and by taking a course that offers real-world experience and top-notch instruction. I really want to work as a web developer

I thing these types of exercises are great because they allow me to thing about what I can specifically do to get better and continue my path to recovery.

I was not able to do my body scan meditation today because I was troubled by sleepiness. I will try something revolutionary tomorrow to get over this, are you ready for it:
I will do the meditation with my eyes open instead of closed.

The 10 minute mindful breathing exercise went great.

Knocked out.

2006-10-10T23:23:00.000-04:00

Well I knew that this would happen soon and it did, I slept pretty much through the entire body scan meditation today. Usually I wake up in the middle of the body scan but today I woke up to find that the 45 minute CD was done playing. I was pretty upset with that and I was pretty irritable once I woke up.

I spent about two hours doing other things, like watching UFC: Tito vs. Ken 3 and once that was done I went ahead and performed the 10 minute breathing exercise. The 10 minute breathing exercise went by a lot smoother and I was not anticipating the 10 minute alarm like other times. I was very happy with the results of the breathing exercise.

Sleep or meditation?

2006-10-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

Today I was having a hard time staying awake, once again, during the 45 minute body scan meditation. I found myself drifting into sleep and waking up to pick up the body scan half way through. I feel I'm being pretty hard on myself for allowing me to not concentrate and this is adding stress to a stress reduction exercise. I plan on bringing this up in my next MBSR session this Thursday and hopefully I can come up with ways of staying awake during the meditation.

I do feel that I am getting some benefit from this meditation so far. I feel that I have a little bit more energy throughout the day and I also find that I am not so short-fused with my family as much. I am also noticing my physiological responses to panic and anxiety a lot more. I thought noticing these feelings would be a bad thing but it's not so because I am able to acknowledge the feelings a lot earlier and control them as opposed to acknowledging the feeling well into a panic attack when they already have the best of me.

I feel did a lot better with my 10 minute breathing meditation than how I did yesterday. I was able to acknowledge thoughts and let them escape quickly as opposed to dwelling on them for a long period of time. One thing that I noticed was that I grew restless towards the end of my meditation and I opened my eyes about 1 minute before the 10 minute alarm went off. This is something that I will need to control better tomorrow and I need to allow myself to stay in the moment and not worry about anticipating the 10 minute alarm.

Not a good day today!

2006-10-08T22:39:00.001-04:00

I found it very difficult to concentrate today on my body scan meditation. I found my mind wondering often and it was very difficult to follow the instructions for the body scan meditation. I found myself falling in and out of sleep and even when I was awake I was too preoccupied with thoughts about problems with my home and about returning to work. On the bright side, I was able to complete the 45 minute exercise and I now know what not to do so that I'll be able to do the body scan meditation more comfortably next time.

The 10 minute breathing exercise was disappointing as well. I was unable to rid myself of thoughts that entered my mind while I was meditating and I dwelled on them for a long time.

I found that at the end of today's exercises I was not as relaxed as other times but I think I just had a bad day today.

I'm surprised by the results!

2006-10-07T22:46:00.000-04:00

Today I continued with my body scan meditation and my daily breathing exercises. I am finding it a bit unusual that I am feeling a lot more relaxed and my mind is not racing as much just two days after my initial MBSR session. All this is making me more optimistic about getting to a point in my life when anxiety and panic will no longer hold me back from being a good father and a good head of a household.

I found that my mind was wondering a bit more today than before while I was doing my body scan meditation. I am however happy to say that I did not fall asleep and I was aware of what was going on for the entire 45 minutes. I really enjoy the state of relaxation that I go into while doing the body scan, there are times that I can feel the blood going through certain parts of my body and all the stress and pain in certain areas are replaced by euphoric feelings that are very difficult to describe. I am more aware of every inch of my body that my arms and legs don't feel so distant from by core and I feel like I am about two feet tall, that's how attached I feel to my outermost extremeties.

The 10 minute breathing exercise went really well and I was able to block out thoughts and concentrate on my breathing better than when I was doing my body scan. The 10 minutes once again just flew right by.

What time is it? I don't know and I don't care.

2006-10-06T23:27:00.000-04:00

Today I started my weekly homework assignments for the MBSR course and I found them to be very relaxing and allowed my mind to be silent for 45 minutes which was great. I noticed that I found myself drifting in and out of sleep which I should really try to control next time. I'll probably just do the exercises earlier instead of at 10 p.m.

I felt really refreshed both mentally and physically after the 45 minute body scan. For those who are interested in what a body scan is it's just an exercise that allows you to be aware of various parts of your body while breathing in and out slowly. This exercise really helped me to focus my mind on one thing instead of going a mile-a-minute thinking about daily stressors.

Another exercise that I have to do daily is controlled breathing for 10 minutes. The purpose of this exercise is to allow you to focus your mind on your breathing and acknowledge and quickly let go of any thoughts that enter your mind so that your main focus is the breath going in and out of your abdomen. I found the exercise to be very usefull in helping me disassociate my mind from the concept of time which I found very usefull because I stress a lot over not having enough time to accomplish what I want to accomplish in life. The 10 minutes just seemed to go by so quickly, before I knew it my alarm was beeping telling me that the 10 minutes were up.

First day of MBSR treatment at St. Joseph's Health Centre

2006-10-05T23:06:00.000-04:00

Today I take the first step of a journey that will help me control my negative physiological and emotional reactions to panic attacks and anxiety that I endure daily. Today I started my treatment at St. Joseph's Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Clinic. The MBSR program is a 10-week course for people who suffer from stress, anxiety, and mood related conditions. This course integrates the practice of mindfulness meditation with cognitive-behaviour therapy.

I was really surprised to see that there were about 30 people taking this course. It really goes to show that people are becoming aware of the negative effects of stress and are actually seeking help. I really enjoyed the meditation and breathing exercises. I have done these exercises in the past but I was never really committed to the therapy back then so I did not get much out of it. I am really looking forward to continuing with this course and any other courses that are suggested to me by my therapist Dr. Howard Eisenberg and I hope to look back on this one day and be happy to have started this journey.