Today's brazen shooting inside a TTC bus has, again, put the spotlight on the issue of people not being able to handle their anger. Don't get me wrong, I have been guilty of this myself and have been involved in situations where I was not able to handle my anger at all. I have even experienced my own incidents on board a TTC bus.
Last winter I was involved in a physical altercation with two guys on the bus. This incident resulted from me refusing to let someone use my cell phone. One guy asked me if he could use my cell phone and I responded in a calm way that I was going to be getting off the bus at the next stop so they wouldn't be able to use it. I was actually getting off in two stops and mistakenly said I was getting off at the next stop, but they thought I was being a smart ass because of the mistake I made. As we drove past the stop the guy asked, "Didn't you say you were getting off?"
At this point I ignored his question because I could sense that he was upset that I lied (obviously there was a cognitive distortion at play and I would say this guy was mind reading). I was getting off soon anyhow and figured there was no point in getting involved in a confrontation with someone I didn't much care for. His friend, upset that I ignored his buddy, began mumbling something about me needing to be stabbed. This really got me going and I could feel my body responding as well. I believe it was this stress response that caused me to flip out when I was asked again if I was getting off. I told him that it wasn't his business when I got off and to mind his own f****** business and his buddy too. At this point his friend suddenly stood up and got in my face and started yelling at me, telling me to get off the f****** bus or else I was going to be stabbed.
I was so angry I simply told him to f*** off and that I will get off whenever I felt like it and that he wasn't scaring me. At this point he started searching through his pockets and that's when I began to worry. I saw that my stop was approaching and got up to leave the bus. As I walked past the guy who was in my face he kicked my shin with his steel-toe boot. I completely snapped and lunged at him, grabbing him by the lapels, trying to push him between two seats to start punching him. This is when his friend tried to grab me but I was able to punch the guy and he fell back down to his seat.
The driver then hit the breaks and the forward momentum sent me stumbling to the front of the bus where I landed on my back and then the two guys jumped on me and held both my arms down. This is when one guy landed a shot to my face and then got up and stomped my face. When the one guy got up the TTC driver opened the doors and the guy who was holding my other arm got up and left the bus encouraging his friend to leave as well. I got up, got my stuff and went to exit through the rear doors still fuming. I was able to exit the bus and this is when the guy who was outside jumped back into the bus and the driver took off with the two thugs inside. All this happened in a bus with about 10 people looking on and a driver who didn't even care to tell the two guys to get off me or threaten to call the police or nothing. Was he waiting for me to really be stabbed? Anyhow, I know that I probably should have kept ignoring these guys or moved to a different part of the bus when things were escalating. I didn't then but I'll be mindful of this and not make the same mistake in the future. I still can't believe I was more concerned about my ego and keeping face than the possibility of being stabbed.
It is very difficult to handle your emotions when your physically and emotionally worked up but I found out today that it is not impossible. I was involved in an altercation today that could have easily turned physical if I hadn't been practicing the relaxation techniques or read the section Anger Is Not a Four Letter Word from the book "Your Perfect Right" that was recommended to me by Stephanie at Clear Path Solutions.
I was already pretty worked up from an argument with my wife and a negative encounter with my family doctor. Today my doctor seemed to be in too much of a rush to address all my concerns and I felt like he just wanted to get me out of his office as soon as possible. He even walked out of the room while I was still talking. I didn't understand what the hurry was, the office wasn't as busy as it usually is, it wasn't closing time and I did have an appointment scheduled. I'm sure he had his reasons, but to leave me hanging there really made me angry. I didn't really say much to him then because he was already in the hallway moving to the next room and there were other patients waiting. I plan on using this as an opportunity to practice my assertiveness and to tell him that I don't appreciate his approach. I scheduled an appointment with the doctor for this Wednesday instead of next week like he suggested and he will address all my concerns then and he will know that I don't appreciate being treated that way. Now, to the heart of the matter.
When I was driving away from the doctor's office I noticed a couple who were walking across the parking lot. I did slow down as I approached them but rather than stopping and letting them cross I just kept on driving. As I was driving right in front of them I thought that I might have really bothered them. As soon as that thought left my head I heard a bang on the roof of my car and when I looked in my rear view mirror the woman was laughing and the man was just staring in my direction. I automatically thought that they dented the roof of my car and suddenly felt this rush of anger go through me and I visualized myself jumping out of the car and just pounding on this guy. I hit the breaks and prior to stepping out of my car I stopped myself, acknowledged the fact that I was really angry and just sat in my car and focused on my breathing and remembered the thought I had earlier about how I would have felt if I were in their shoes.
As I was sitting in my car I could hear the guy say, "What, you're going to hit me?" as he walked toward my car. I kept telling myself, "Don't blow up but don't storm off either." I stayed in my car as the guy approached. I told him that I wasn't going to hit him and asked if I did something to offend him. He obviously mentioned that he didn't appreciate me cutting him and his girlfriend off. I was about to apologize when he suddenly became very belligerent saying that I was pissing him off and that I should drive off before he smashes my face. I started to think, "This guy thinks I'm a punk and I'm afraid of him. I'm not going to let him get away with that." I was about to get right back in his face when again I stopped myself and simply told him, "Alright, I'll go. Don't hit my car again."
As I was driving off I heard another thud coming from the back of my car and this one sounded pretty loud. As I turned on to the street I told myself that despite this guy being understandably upset he has no right to be damaging my car. I turned back into the parking lot with the intent to resolve the situation the best way I could. I parked my car, got out, and checked my car for damage. I did not want to let this guy get away with vandalizing my vehicle and I was ready to call the police if I noticed any damage on my car. I felt that resolving the issue in a calm assertive way was better than driving home and replaying this situation over and over again in my head and beating myself up in the process, calling myself a weak, pathetic wimp simply because I didn't resolve the issue physically. I did not notice that my car was damaged so I drove home. I focused on my breath all along and gave myself a pat on the back for resolving the issue calmly. I still had to confront my wife at home but I was able to remain calm during our disagreement and the issue was ultimately resolved.
I see this as a huge victory and just another step among many made and many left to go. I am learning to respond rather than react to stressful situations and the fact that I'm making progress boosts my confidence tremendously.
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